First of all I would be the guy
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: After considering it Jane realizes that Maura was right, that she needs professional help to figure out why she has been feeling so miserable her entire adult life. Will Maura be there for her?CHAPTER 10 IS UP!ENJOY!
1. Confession

**Chapter one :**

**Confession.**

It was a cold sunday morning in Boston when Jane slowly woke up. The first thing she saw when she slowly opened her eyes was Maura's head resting on her chest her right arms across her belly. Lowering the blanket covering her beautiful girlfriend Jane took a minute to marvel at the beauty laying before her eyes. Even if Jane was partially dressed wearing a black tank top and a matching boxer Maura was entirely naked. Rubbing Maura's shoulder with her thumb Jane couldn't help but roaming her eyes on those curves she knew better than her own, thinking about the hours she had spent exploring them, memorizing every single details of her girlfriend's anatomy. Lowering her eyes towards Maura's legs Jane started smiling remembering how only a few hours ago they were wrapped around her waist as she passionately thrusted inside and out of her making her shake harder at every thrust. The truth was Jane had never felt anything that intense both sexually and emotionally with anyone before. Maura and her have now been dating for 3 months and after waiting for about a month they had decided to take their relationship to the next level. Well at least Maura did. One night Jane got home after a day spent trying to make a suspect confess when she found Maura laying on her bed wearing nothing but black lingerie. As uncomfortable as she was Jane knew as soon as she stepped in her bedroom that tonight would be the night, that Maura had finally reached her limits and couldn't wait anymore. Actually she had made it very clear right after their first kiss that she was strongly physically to her but knew that Jane wasn't ready and decided to give her time. Thinking about it Jane didn't really know why it took her so long to be ready, God knew she was insanely attracted to Maura and that she was madly in love with her but there was just something that kept her from allowing herself to completely let go in her girlfriend's arms.

Luckily for her Maura knew Jane probably better than she knew herself and understood that Jane needed time to settle in their relationship before taking that step. Obviously Maura knew Jane had control issues and that it was extremely hard for her to completely let go especially physically. That's why for the past two months she had allowed Jane to make love to her for hours, to explore her, to try different ways of pleasuring her without reciprocating. At first Maura loved how selfless Jane was but after a while and as satisfied as she was it became hard for her not to be able to go down on Jane and devour her until she comes in her mouth. Actually Jane barely allowed Maura to touch her and always kept her tank top and boxers on. All Maura knew she was allowed to do was to wander her fingers on her back and sometimes belly but every time she tried to touch her breasts or slid her hand in her boxers Jane made it very clear that's not what she wanted.

So for the past 2 months Maura had let Jane do things her way hoping that by doing that she would earn her trust and that she would eventually hand some of that control that was so essential to her survival over to her. As painful and frustrating as it was Maura knew that forcing Jane to let go wasn't the way to do things. All she could do was accept Jane's way of doing things while keeping on trying from time to time hoping that someday she would take that step with her.

Around 9 O' clock Maura finally woke up feeling a bit cold.

"Good morning sleeping head." Jane said kissing the top of Maura's head.

"Good morning, is it cold or were you taking a peek at my body while I was sleeping?" Slightly rising her head Maura was grateful to once again wake up in Jane's arms.

"Yes, sorry, but every time I woke with you in my arms I have trouble believing how lucky I am." Jane replied pressing her lips against Maura's .

"And you did get lucky last night." Maura smirked slowly rolling on top of Jane.

"Yes I did."Placing her hands on Maura's lower back her eyes inevitably looking at her gorgeous breasts pressing against her Jane felt immediately aroused.

Seeing the desire in her girlfriend's eyes Maura started to gently kiss her, her hands away from her body at first. Feeling Maura's tongue ticking hers Jane suddenly slid her right hand between their two bodies hoping to reach her folds.

"How about you let me take care of you today?It's the least I can do after the multiple orgasms you gave me last night." Saying those words, pulling Jane's hand out Maura knew there was a high chance Jane would push her away or deny her wishes by rolling over her to take control over the situation.

"Maura…No, you know that's not how I enjoy making love to you." Jane replied rolling on top of her as Maura had predicted it.

"Do you even have pleasure when you make love to me?"Looking Jane straight in the eyes almost daring her to walk away Maura was determined to make Jane talk. After spending the past two months allowing Jane to play with her like with a toy she needed to understand why and find a way to help her.

"Of course I enjoy myself Maura, how can you ask me that?" Narrowing her eye brows Jane didn't really understand the true meaning behind Maura's question.

"I know you enjoy yourself but have you ever climaxed?" Maura knew Jane was uncomfortable talking about sex but wasn't willing to spare her now, they were both adults and walking around in circles using childish words wouldn't help them.

"Maura! How can you ask me that!" Jane objected rolling on her back before sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Would you please calm down? I'm insanely satisfied with you, more than I have never been before but you never really let me touch you, you don't even take your close underwear off. I love you Jane and I want to satisfy you as much as you satisfy me, that's all."Sitting behind Jane resting her head on her shoulder and snaking her arms around her waist Maura realized who insensitive she had just acted but was still unwilling to let this go. She couldn't do this anymore, not if she wanted their relationship to work.

"I know you love me and I love you too. It's just…easier for me for now. I love exploring you and right now it's all I can give you. I'm sorry if it's not enough."Looking down feeling Maura's warm arms around her Jane was incredibly sad and wished she could have gave Maura what she wanted. She had dreamed of being with her for so long and not being able to provide her with was she desired was killing her, Maura deserved the best and she clearly wasn't it.

"I know Jane and I love how you take your time to explore each square inch of my body, but don't you think it would be more comfortable for both of us if you would at least take your clothes off? I would love nothing more than feeling your naked body against mine." Maura said bitting her lower lip as she naively slid her hand under Jane's tank top.

"NO!I don't want you to see me naked, this is not up for discussion so don't even try to talk me into it!" Jane hollered violently standing up.

"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to push you. I understand that you're shy regarding your body, but you have no reason to, you're gorgeous." Seeing the rage and shock in Jane's eyes Maura understood that she had crossed the line. Unfortunately she couldn't understand what would keep Jane from revealing her body to her.

"No, I'm not so don't try to bullshit me!My body is…."Her hand on her forehead trying to find the perfect words Jane felt pushed in a corner and she didn't like it. She always thought Maura understood her and her need to do things her way and couldn't believe that she would force her to talk about something when she knew she wasn't ready to talk about.

"Oh Jane, your body is perfect. I saw you in your underwear enough times to know that not only you're extremely fit but that you have curves just right they're supposed to be. If you feel uncomfortable about your scars don't worry, they're extremely sexy for me. They show how courageous and selfless you are."Standing up taking a step towards Jane Maura could feel she was on the edge of finally letting everything go.

"You don't understand, my body…it doesn't feel like it's mine, it's just not the right one!"Letting those words slipped out of her mouth Jane knew she couldn't keep that secret for herself anymore. Not only keeping everything inside was hurting Maura and their relationship but it was also killing her.

Ever since she had met Maura she always knew that she accepted and loved her just the way she was with her flaws and bad trades. Actually that's what she loved most about Maura. She loved her unconditionally no matter how screwed up and lost she was and unlike most people she never tried to change her but instead helped her find herself by supporting her and by never judging her. Unfortunately as much as Maura loved her and as tolerant and understanding as she knew she could be Jane was afraid that this was just too dark, too deep and that she wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Oh Jane…"Hearing Jane's confession Maura finally understand her behavior. Actually, her obsession with control especially over her own body, her almost visceral need to hide her feminine attributes, also her refusal and inability to engage in a relationship with the numerous men who would have died to be with her suddenly made more sense.

"No, don't touch me. I want you to go away!Just go!"Humiliated and unable to continue this conversation Jane rushed into the bathroom, locking herself, collapsing on the floor immediately.

Standing there in the middle of Jane's room Maura was split between her desire to knock that door down and take her in Jane arms and do what her girlfriend wanted her to. As hard as it was Maura knew that Jane needed time to process what had just happened. She knew that must she have felt extremely embarrassed about her confession and that she had probably never actually said those words out loud and that she needed to process.

Leaving Jane's apartment that sunday morning Maura knew that what her girlfriend needed right now was space and time to process what had happened, but she was also convinced that she would need her help later. She knew that admitting something that deep and dark to herself must have been extremely violent and that she would possibly drawn without her. Yes leaving Jane's building that morning Maura knew that their relationship had just taken an unexpected turn and that as painful as things might become if she stayed by her side she couldn't possibly leave her. As screwed up and broken Jane thought she was Maura loved her unconditionally, for better and for worse and she knew that to the risk of completely loosing herself in the process she had to support and love her, hoping that she would be able to help Jane figure out who she was, both physically and emotionally.

**Alright guys, I have had this story in my head for so long that I just had to finally write it. I know it's different and I apologize in advance if this story hurts anyone. People always tell me that I always find a way into my characters' brain and emotions and that I'm always realistic. Well I can not pretend to completely know how it feels to be in Jane's shoes but I can certainly relay to at least some of it.**

**As always I hope that you will give me feedback, good or bad to help me improve this story. I have had it in my mind for so long that I want it to be good and I intend to finish it.**


	2. The begining

**Alright, first of all I'm sorry if I offended some of you guys, it wasn't my attention. Some of you accused me of being unrealistic. Well the thing about this story and this chapter is that they're pretty much autobiographic, so by telling me that I'm wrong and unrealistic you're basically telling me that how I felt and still feel is wrong. I'm sorry if my experience doesn't match yours but we're all different. Second : I never said Jane was transgendered . Yes she did say it was the "wrong body" which is basically what I told my GF at the time when we first talked about it because I felt so pressured and pushed into a corner that I didn't have time to measure my own words. I think the same goes for Jane here and she will hopefully clarify everything in this chapter because she had more time to prepare . I wish you would have let me post this chapter before judging me!**

**I didn't want to tell how much of this story was autobiographic at first because it's nobody's business but the fact that I was attacked and accused of being intolerant, offensive, exploitive etc just pissed me of and I felt compelled to clarify things. I'm sorry if I offended you guys but I will plead the first amendment and I intend to write about my own experience the way I want to, the way I have been experiencing it, sorry if it doesn't match with your own experience. I will not stop writing this story until I'm satisfied with it, no matter how many negatives reviews I receive, none of them can touch or hurt me anymore. I used to worry sick about what people would think about me, well I don't anymore. Writing helps me, it's like a therapy and as long as this story helps me I will continue! I just find it sad that the people who I thought would understand me lashed out on me like that, but that's life I suppose!Boys will be boys and haters will hate right?**

**Enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter 2:**

**The beginning :**

Sitting on the cold floor of her bathroom Jane waited half an hour after she heard Maura slamming the door before coming out. Slowly opening the door making sure Maura was really gone Jane started to hate her for pushing her like this. What had just happened 30 minutes ago should have never happened like that. Laying down in bed staring at the ceiling Jane couldn't help but feeling relieved but also disturbed by her confession. Replaying this moment in her head Jane realized that the words she had spoken literally blew out of her mouth out of proportion and she was praying that Maura would not think she was a freak. Actually Jane always knew that if she wanted her relationship with Maura to be successful and healthy she would have to confide in her at some point. Actually if Jane had waited so long to tell Maura how she truly felt it was mainly because she wanted to choose her words wisely, to find the perfect way of expressing how she felt. Unfortunately Maura pushed her, forced her to confess her feelings resulting in Jane using words that were far from being representative of the reality of her true feelings . Now all Jane could hope was that those terrible words she had said wouldn't push Maura away for ever and that she would have the opportunity to clarify things. Unfortunately as eager as Jane was now to be true and honest with Maura she still had no idea how to verbalize her feelings and was hoping that Maura would help her put words on her feelings and understand them.

At the other side of town Maura found herself in her big empty as, more precisely in her office surrounded by her books. Ever since she was a little girl Maura had found comfort and answers to almost all her problems in her books and in science. Unfortunately spending time with Jane over the past years Maura learned to use her instincts and her heart rather than her brain to find the solution to her problem, especially when it came to her personal relationship with her friends, her parents or Jane. So when Jane confessed to her that she had the feeling that her body wasn't the right one, that it wasn't hers Maura's first reflex was to grab her psychology books to try to define, to put words on what was troubling Jane and maybe find a solution. Unfortunately sitting at her desk surrounded by her books Maura found herself incapable of starting her research. As lost as she was regarding Jane's "issue" if it was even one she knew that the answer wasn't in any of those books, that Jane was a human being not a study case and that if she wanted to understand her and find the proper way to help her she needed to talk to her, to listen to her, to love her unconditionally. Thinking about it Maura knew she had crossed a line, that Jane wasn't ready to share her feelings yet, she pushed her in a corner and couldn't help but praying for Jane to forgive her.

The next day Maura drove to work around 8 am and took the elevator directly to the precinct where she was told that Jane had called sick and wouldn't come to work today. Immediately thinking about the worse Maura drove to Jane's appartement calling her multiple times hoping she hadn't made a mistake.

Arriving in front of Jane's door Maura didn't know if she should use her key or knock and wait for Jane to answer. Unwilling to violate Jane's privacy for the second time Maura took a deep breath and knocked twice hoping Jane would open the door. Standing in the kitchen as she heard Maura hammering her door Jane instantly knew who it was and found herself slipt between staying right where she was and opening the door. After considering her options for about a minute Jane reluctantly dragged herself to the door and slowly opened it.

"Jane…"Maura muttered relieved as Jane was standing in front of her safe and sound.

"Maura, please come in." Jane replied taking two steps back unwilling to see Maura jump at her neck.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for calling you repeatedly but Vince told me you called in sick and I thought…"Closing the door behind her Maura didn't want to say the actual words and pass as a complete fool.

"Oh sweetie, you thought I might hurt myself?"Seeing the preoccupied look on Maura's face and feeling her voice trembling Jane realized how stupid and hurtful her actions were, once again.

"Yes. Now I see that you just needed to be alone. I'm sorry for intruding." Looking down her hands clenched on her emergency bag Maura couldn't look at Jane in the eye, not after making such make a fool of herself.

"Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't pick up because I was in the shower and yes I called in sick because I felt terrible after last night and…"

"And you clearly didn't want to have to face me. I understand Jane. Call me when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere." Maura replied taking a step back holding her tears.

"Wait, I don't want you to go."Biting her tongue Jane didn't actually want Maura to stay because she didn't know what to say or do but she couldn't stand seeing her in pain. As compelled as she felt to just break up with Maura to avoid having to face her demons Jane loved her too much to hurt her or push her away more.

"Alright, then I will stay. Shall we settle on the couch?" Maura smiled taking Jane's hand dragging her towards her couch.

"So how did you sleep last night?"Jane asked sitting on the couch not knowing where to start.

"You know I never sleep well when I'm not in your arms." Settling as close as she possibly could to Jane Maura didn't want to appear pushy but couldn't help but being physically compeled to remain as close to Jane as possible.

"Me neither. I'm sorry for throwing you out yesterday. I just couldn't look at you after…"Gently stroking the top of Maura's hand with her thumb Jane couldn't look at her in the eyes, not yet. She had already shown to much of her true self and knew that by looking into her eyes Maura would be able see even deeper in her.

"Jane, look at me. I love you, there is nothing you could do or say that could make me love you less. You should know that by now."Cupping Jane's face with her right hand trying to make her look at her Maura could easily understand how vulnerable Jane was feeling but was a little lost not knowing how to approach the situation.

"What about what I said before I pushed you out?"

"Well If I recall properly you mentioned feeling that your body wasn't yours that it wasn't the right one. I think that you have been repressing those for feelings for so long and that because I pushed you so hard the words just burst out of your mouth and that they don't necessarily describe the reality accurately."Measuring every single of her words Maura was determined to be as tactful as possible and to show Jane that she understood her.

"Yeah. I …I think I should have thought more about it before dropping a bomb like that on you. "

"I think I shouldn't have pushed you. I promise it won't happen again. I'm here to help you figure out who or what you are and I'm willing to take things as slow as you want or need them to be." As eager as Maura was to finally learn the truth about Jane she wasn't about to push her, this time she was determined to give her the time to consider her words and to find the most appropriate way to explain her feelings.

"Thank you. I think you were right to push me. I think I could have lived a long time keeping that inside me and it would have probably killed me. "Carefully considering her next few words Jane had a feeling that this was moment she had waited for since they had started dating. There was no coming back this time, Maura deserved to know the entire truth, not the terrible confession she had made that wasn't representative of how she felt.

"And we wouldn't want that now would we?"

"No. I can't imagine my life without you and if you love me as much as you say you do I'm sure living without me would be painful."

"Oh Jane, I love you more than I could ever tell you. I love you for who you are with your flaws and bad trades, with your doubts and weaknesses."

"I know and that scares me. I mean I know that now that we went down that road we have to continue, that we can't just forget about it but it's hard Maura."

"Well I'm here to guide you, if you want me to of course."Kissing Jane's hand on her scars looking at her straight in the eyes Maura felt that Jane was about to confess everything to her and could almost feel her girlfriend's pulse rising exponentially by the second.

"I do, I need you and first of all I need to clarify something : I'm not transgendered or what ever you want to call it. It's just that the way I feel in my own skin doesn't feel right, I'm not feel connected with my body but it doesn't mean that it's the wrong one. I know my previous confession might have lead you to believe otherwise but trust me I'm happy to be a woman and I don't feel the desire to become a man."Taking a deep breath after saying those words Jane felt relieved , for the first time in her life she wasn't pretending to be someone she wasn't. She was completely honest and vulnerable in front of her girlfriend and had managed to find the perfect words to describe how she truly felt .

"I understand. You do not feel comfortable in your own body or in touch with your femininity but it doesn't mean that you don't identify as a woman."Maura replied nodding as she was finally able to hear Jane's explanation.

"Exactly, most of the time I enjoy being a woman. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like being girlie you know putting on a bra, make up and stuff . It just doesn't feel right when we go and have pedicure and manicure . When we started dating I knew that I could finally be myself especially in the bedroom. I mean guys would touch my breasts and my ... you know …regardless if I liked it or not. I felt violated every time I slept with a guy because none of them got it. All I wanted when they had their hands all over me was to crawl out of my skin and just die. Luckily for me I feel that you get it. I know I can be myself with you, that I don't even have to ask not to touch me, that you just know where my limits are and what is appropriate to do or not. Please believe me when I say this : I don't do it to dominate or control you, it's just my way of protecting my body and also of protecting you because I don't know I could react if you touched me...That's why I once told you that I would be the guy because I knew it would allow me to do things my own way."Looking down feeling the tears streaming down her face Jane never felt so vulnerable in her entire life. She was finally able to express every single frustration and self hatred she had felt for years and somehow knew that Maura would still love her even after seeing the real her, and it scared her to death. Knowing that someone could love her so much that she was willing to accept her for who she was with no guarantee that things would ever get better amazed her.

"Of course you can be yourself with me Jane, I would never force you to do anything you don't want to or be anything you don't want to be." Pulling Jane against her kissing ehr forehead Maura was finally able to see the extend of her unhappiness and self loathing and it was breaking her heart that someone as gentle, supportive and funny as Jane could see herself that way, almost like a monster, someone that went against nature.

"Or Maura what am I gonna do?"Jane let out bursting into tears finally relieving the years of frustrations and self hatred in her lover's arms.

"You're going to take one day at the time. You don't need to find all the answers today. We have the rest of our lives to figure things out alright?I"m here and I'm going anywhere."Sighing as she kissed Jane's forehead Maura had a feeling that this was the beginning of a long and painful journey.

As relieved as Maura was to feel that Jane finally trusted her enough to confide into her and to finally be herself she was also scared of what it meant. She was scared that now that Jane felt comfortable enough to be herself that she might push things a bit too far, that she might feel compelled to test herself and her limits as a way of finding the answers to her questions. As painful as she knew allowing Jane to explore her fears and interrogations might be Maura knew that she had no choice but to accept it hoping that Jane would find the answers she had spent her entire life running from and she would eventually trust her enough to allow her to touch her both emotionally and physically.

**Alright guys I know most of you expected Maura to do extensive research and then throw all her medical knowledge in Jane's face to try to help her understand herself. Well I see things differently, I think Maura knows that Jane would probably be offended not to mention she's smart enough to know that every person is different and that the answer to who Jane is can't be find in a book. I hope the title now makes sense to you. I know my usual readers understood me because they know me and they know that I'm slow to start things and that it takes me time to really set my stories up. I wish I had more time to develop and allow Jane to take her time to think about her words before clarifying things but I felt I had to speed things up. **Damn I feel so much better! thanks to debonairgeek and many others, you guys rock!****

**PS: The author's note at the beginning will be the last you will receive to clarify things. I won't justify myself ****anymore, it took me years to accept myself and if people don't get me or don't want to allow me to develop my story and characters, well too bad, their loss!**


	3. When the shoes doesn't fit

**First of all guys, I wanted to thank you for all your nice words and encouragement. You actually brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart up.**

**I can understand that some people were offended by this story saying it wasn't well documented and as someone mentioned I should have mentioned that this story is based on my personal experience and isn't backup by any research and from now on I will mention it at the beginning of every single chapter.**

**Some people said that people come here to find answers to their problems…well it is fiction that we're supposed to write here even if it's often based on our own experience and I'm not sure people actually take everything written here seriously but just in case I will be careful from now on.**

**Chapter 3 :**

**When the shoes doesn't fit : **

About two hours later Jane woke up her head on Maura's lap. Slowly opening her eyes feeling the sun burning her face all Jane could remember was splitting her guts to Maura and collapsing in her arms afterwards.

"Why are you playing with my phone?"Slightly opening her eyes looking up Jane immediately noticed her girlfriend typing on her phone.

"Your mother has been texting you because she heard that you called in sick, so I took the liberty to reply to her telling her that you weren't feeling well but that it was nothing that required her presence." Maura replied looking down wipping a strain of hair away from Jane's eyes.

"And she agreed not to visit?"Narrowing her eyebrows as she straightened up on her couch Jane couldn't believe that she actually convinced her "helicopter mom" not to visit her sick child.

"Yes, as you know I can be very convincing."

"I know. Anyway I'm sorry for falling asleep on you like that." Jane replied cracking her neck and knuckles.

"It's alright, our conversation was rather intense both physically and emotionally and you just needed to recover. It actually gave me the opportunity to think about what you said."

"Oh…and?" Seeing the "doctorly" look on Maura's face Jane knew that she must have spent the past 2 hours carefully analyzing every single word she had said during this conversation. She knew that Maura was someone who needed to see things several times, to examine evidence under different angles to try to get different perspectives, convinced that if she came to the same conclusion every time then her assessment was indeed the right one. Actually Jane was almost certain that Maura tortured herself replaying some of their personal discussions in her head trying to make sure that she said or did the most appropriate thing. Unlike Jane Maura didn't trusted her guts and was so convinced that she lacked social skills that she was never fully confident when it came to her relationship with Jane.

"Well, after replaying our conversation in my head I would need to be sure I understood you, if it's not too much trouble, the last thing I want is to thrust the knife deeper in the wound ."

"I understand, don't worry about. Just tell me what you understood and I will give you precisions if you need me to."

"Alright thank you. Well if I understood properly you enjoy being a woman and you do not feel disgusted by your female attributes such as your breasts but you don't feel connected or in sync with your body which makes it hard for you to allow someone to connect with your body. " Maura said very slowly carefully measuring every word unwilling to offense Jane. As much as she didn't want Jane to have to explain herself again she needed to be sure that she understood her perfectly if she wanted to help her.

"Exactly. Imagine you have this pair of shoes : you love the color, the shape, the way people look at them knowing they wish they could afford the same pair so you wear them everyday but they hurt, you feel constricted inside, you can't move your feet so when you come home the first thing you do is take them off wishing you wouldn't have to wear them ever again. Unfortunately you wear them the next day because you know people judge you through them, they became who you are to them. You hope that it will get better with time or that you will meet someone who's going to teach you how to walk properly with them so they don't hurt anymore or someone who you would trust enough to massage your feet because you know that you're stuck with them anyway. That's how I feel, it's not the outside that troubles me, it's how my heart, soul and heart fit inside my body that I have to work on you know. "Jane explained trying to find a metaphor that Maura could relay to.

"Trust me, I understand the concept of keeping up appearances because you don't want to disappoint people around you who have a certain image of you and also because you don't want to have to justify yourself but when you're home at night you lay in bed hoping you could crawl out of that skin that's merely a vessel hosting that soul that wishes only one thing : to be able to find another vessel that would allow it evolve freely …"Nodding Maura could actually understood Jane's feelings because she had felt empty inside for so many years only driven by social codes and her desire not to disappoint her parents. The only difference was that her feelings were more emotional than physical, she actually accepted her body very well, it was just the image she felt compelled to reflect to people she wasn't comfortable with.

"Wow, we're quite a pair aren't we?"Jane smiled rubbing the top on Maura's hand with her thumb.

"Yes we are, but I must say that you helped me a lot since we met and now I feel more at ease with who I truly am and I'm not scared of being my eccentric, goofy self thanks. I truly hope that I will be able to help you the same way you helped me."

"I…the thing is I don't even know if I can be helped." Jane muttered biting her nails shaking her head from side to side.

"How about you start by telling me what you truly want and you let me worry on about the rest."

"Yes, I'm tired of being miserable and of making you unhappy. I want us to have a normal and healthy relationship where I feel comfortable letting you touch me and pleasure me. I mean you know I give myself to you completely, I trust you and I have no secrets for you. Actually I think that I have never confided in someone like I do with you, you know it's not my type to open up and I would like to be as opened with my body as I am with my feelings."

"Alright then we're going to work on this together, at your own pace. I'm sorry for pushing you like this I hope you can forgive and trust me again." Humbled by Jane's confession and her cry for help Maura knew how hard it must have been for her to face her fears and put her pride aside to ask for help and she was determined to allow Jane to lead the dance and do things on her own terms.

"I'm a trained cop Maura, I told you because I felt ready. I would have just walked away if I haven't felt it was time trust me. I just wished I have had more time to prepare to explain things to you the way I did earlier and just now but don't worry about it. I love you Maura and I want to get better for you, for us." Reaching out for help Jane knew that she needed to do this for herself but Maura was and has always been her biggest motivation and there was no doubt in her mind that if it weren't for her she would have probably continued being miserable for the rest of her life.

"Good, because I have no intention of watching you destructing yourself and our relationship like this anymore. I know you don't do it on purpose but I really love you too much to let you continue down that road."Maura replied leaning over kissing her tenderly.

The truth was that Maura always knew that there was something wrong with Jane, something so deep and dark that she had buried it inside for years. She remembered the first time they made love and Jane exploring every single square inch of her body, memorizing every curve, touching her, kissing her, devouring her for hours paying attention to every breath she took, very word she she muttered determined to pleasure her and to treat her with respect and delicateness. She remembered literally collapsing after climaxing for the fourth time and walking up the next morning eager to reciprocate. Unfortunately the morning Jane refused telling her that it was her moment, that she would have the rest of their life to pleasure her. But the following day, and the day after that despite Maura's efforts and desire Jane still refused her to allow Maura to even pleasure touch her. What had started as a selfless proof of love quickly turned into a very unpleasant and frustrated one way relationship but Maura accepted because she loved her and was hoping that with time and love, by regularly bringing up the subject Jane would let her guard down but she never did until today. For the first time since Maura started to realize how deeply Jane's soul was wounded but was finally able to see hope. She knew that as damaged as Jane was determined to get better even if she knew the road towards recovery would be painful for both of them Maura was confident that their love was strong enough to overcome everything.

**So guys, what do you think?I know Jane explained herself once and that it was probably not necessary for her to explain it again but Maura needed things to be clear and the more you talk about it the clearer it becomes to you as well. The shoes metaphor might appear as strange but it's actually how I just explained things to one of my ex a few days ago after she read the first chapter...Thank you again for your support this story means a lot and I'm going to try to make it my best story so far...I know things are starting a bit slowly and I hope I'm not boring you guys too much :( I think next chapter will take things a step closer, for now Maura is still shy but next chapter she might start to ask Jane questions about her sexuality...**


	4. Baby steps

**AN: This story is based solely on my personal experience and isn't backed up by any research, I do not pretend to have all the answers.**

**Chapter 4 :**

**Baby step : **

Later that day after spending the rest of the afternoon making up, watching romantic movies and ordering dinner from Maura's favorite indian restaurant the atmosphere was finally more relaxed. After struggling for years to face her feelings and months to confide into Maura Jane felt finally relieved, free of all those lies that were eating her alive and she felt that she could finally be herself for the first time in her life. On the other hand Maura was also much more at peace knowing that Jane finally trusted enough to tell her the truth and to ask for help and after walking on eggs shells for months she had a feeling that they were finally walking on the right path.

"Well that was certainly better than I expected." Jane said standing in front of the sink feeling the warm water streaming down her hands.

"See I told you would like it. I knew you could handle something a little more spicy than usual."Maura replied standing behind her, her arms snaked around her.

"Alright, I'm going to say it only once, so don't make me repeat it and enjoy it : you're always right."Jane replied turning around wrapping her arms around her as well.

"I know…Well it's getting late, I think I should get going." As heart broken as she was to leave Jane after spending such a wonderful day with her and making terrific progress she knew that they both needed time by themselves to process everything and to breath.

"Or you could stay…"Jane offered giving her best pout.

"I appreciate the offer Jane but the last thing I want is to suffocate you and I think we could both use the time apart to process everything ."

"Oh alright if you don't wanna stay…"Pushing Maura aside as she walked towards her bedroom Jane wasn't even mad at her, how could she blame her for not wanting to share her bed?

"No Jane, wait. That's not what I meant." Maura muttered allowing Jane into her bedroom.

"I get it don't worry you need time to re consider our relationship."

"Would you just stop? I was thought you would need time on your own to think but as it seems I was wrong." Maura replied unbuttoning her shirt as she walked towards the bathroom.

"What's are you doing?"

"I'm taking my clothes off so I can shower, don't worry it won't take long, how about you change and lie down in bed?" Maura instructed slightly turning her head sending Jane the most seductive and confident look before stepping into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

Lying down in bed looking at the ceiling Jane couldn't help but thinking about that look she knew too well : Maura was in a frisky mood and as tempted as it sounded it scared her to death.

_"Oh boy, that look on her face, I'm so in trouble …..She's probably showering fantasizing about what I'm going to do to her. How am I going to tell her that I would rather if we didn't have sex tonight?Actually how can I even refuse her anything, especially if she comes out of that bathroom still partially wet only wearing a towel wrapped around her?Oh Jane, why did you let her go into that bathroom?Come on stop panicking, up until now Maura has been nothing but understanding and she promised she would go at your pace. But this is Maura we're talking about, she has those urges that are barely manageable. Most of the time I feel terrible for not allowing her to reciprocate but she seems to enjoy herself, right?Why would she ask for more if she wasn't?Maybe she's just asking for more to help me build my self confidence hoping that I'll let her touch me at some point…Come on Jane you know too well she can't lie, she enjoys having sex with you at least for now but as patient and understanding as she is one day she won't be able to stay submissive like this. Oh boy what am I gonna do?She probably thinks that by finally acknowledging my problem I moved a step towards getting better. The truth is now that she knows, making love to her makes me even more nervous and I'm not sure I'm still capable of it even if we do it my own way._"Jane said to herself looking up at the ceiling.

At the same time letting the hot water stream down her body Maura was faced to the same dilemma and for the first time didn't know how to behave with Jane.

"_How am I suppose to behave?We obviously don't have intercourse every time we share the same bed so it's like it's mandatory but I feel that it would be a good way of showing her that her confessions didn't damage my feelings or the sexual attraction I have feel for her. On the other hand I agreed to take things slowly and knowing her she probably feels extremely vulnerable and wouldn't fell comfortable having sex right now. Here you have your answer Maura, you have to behave yourself and find the right compromise between showing her that nothing as changed and being pushy_."

15 minutes later Maura turned off the water, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. Standing in front of the mirror trying to take deeper breaths Maura was for the first time ever nervous to share her bed with Jane. She knew that Jane wasn't ready to have sex again but that she would anyway if she felt she wanted it. To avoid making Jane do something she wasn't ready for Maura grabbed an old tank top and a large yoga pants that were laying on a chair put them on and opened the door.

"Damn you look good in that."Jane said swallowing hard her eyes fixated on Maura as she stepped out of the bathroom and walked towards her bed.

"Thank you, it smells like you." Maura replied climbing in bed instinctively positioning herself against Jane, resting her head on her chest.

"Okay."Wrapping around Maura's shoulder feeling her arm across her belly Jane quickly understood that all her girlfriend wanted was to sleep in her arms, nothing more and was grateful.

"Good night Jane." Maura sighed closing her eyes.

"With you in my arms always." Jane replied kissing Maura's forehead .

The next morning the Jane woke up earlier than Maura as usual and watched her sleep for a little while. Laying on her side marveling at her beauty and on how peaceful she looked Jane started to wonder if she would ever get better. She remembered the previous night when Maura asked her what she wanted and replying that she wanted them to have a healthy reciprocative sexual relationship that was as fulfilling as their emotional bond. Jane knew that Maura would do everything in her power and everything she would ask her to help her but the problem was that Jane had no idea how she wanted Maura to help her. She knew what her ultimate goal was but was incapable of picturing the road towards it. Luckily for her she knew that Maura was resourceful and trusted her to guide her.

"Have you been watching me sleeping?"Maura mumbled her eyes still closed feeling Jane's breath on her face.

"Yes I have. How did you sleep?" Jane asked gently brushing Maura's mouth with her lips.

"Very well thank you but I'm starving, would it be too much to ask for you to prepare me some breakfast?I don't feel like getting up." Maura pouted.

"Two breakfasts in bed coming right up." Jane smiled kissing Maura's forehead before bouncing out of bed.

Walking towards the kitchen Jane was holding her back in pain. What Maura didn't know was that she spent hours at the gym the previous day working out, punching a heavy bag until she almost collapsed unable to stand up. After confessing the truth and throwing her out she had felt compelled to express her anger, pain and frustration physically and had probably pulled a muscle in the process.

15 minutes later Jane was back in her bedroom a tray full of food in her hand.

"That looks yummy."Maura said clapping her hands licking her lips in anticipation.

" It's only an omelet, it's not rocket science but I prepared it with love." Jane replied sitting on the edge of the bed.

The truth was Jane has never been a breakfast kind of person . Up until she met Maura she would just grab a cup of coffee on her way to work and eat donuts with the guys at the station. But ever since she met Maura they had started have breakfast together on regular basis making it their special moment of the day. When they started dating Maura even insisted that they take their time every day to sit and have breakfast together because they didn't know if they would be able to have lunch or even see each other during the day. What used to be something that was non existent in Jane's life had became her favorite part of the day, that moment they got to share with each other, in their bubble unaffected by all the misery and sadness of the exterior world.

"Well thank you. I notice your limp earlier, has your back been troubling you ?"

"Yeah, I went to the gym yesterday and I must have pulled a muscle or something, nothing to worry about alright?"Jane replied smiling unwilling to share more details with Maura, she didn't know that she worked out to the point of physical pain to punish herself for pushing her away.

"Alright, come on climb in bed and lie on your stomach." Maura replied putting the tray aside, inviting Jane to join her.

"Why?"Jane replied narrowing her eyebrows.

"Because I'm going to massage your back. Come on." Trying to pull Jane in bed Maura had no idea what she was doing, her heart and intention were pure but she still had to learn what was appropriate or not.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Maura, really I…"Pulling her hand, taking a step back Jane literally froze, she couldn't talk or even breath, all she could do was picturing Maura's fingers on her and that scared her so much that she could barely stand up.

"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to be inappropriate, my offer was perfectly innocent." Maura replied pulling the covers aside and slowly sitting on the edge of the bed. Seeing the terrified look on her Jane's face Maura quickly understood that her offer was inappropriate that even if she had acknowledge her fears and discomfort it didn't mean that they were gone.

"It's alright, let's forget about this. I'm going to jump in the shower, hot water should do it." Jane replied turning her back on her girlfriend.

"No wait….Let me help you I promise I won't cross any line."Maura said grabbing Jane's hand immediately regretting her gesture. She had promised Jane to do things her own way at her pace but she couldn't help but feeling uncomfortable pretending something never happened. She knew that denying her fears had made Jane miserable and she wasn't willing to look the other way now.

"I just…Geez what's wrong with me?I can't even let you give me a fucking back massage!"Jane groaned falling back on her bed. Sitting on the edge of her bed her head down rubbing her face with both hands Jane felt weak. She had hoped that her pride and her desire not to expose her weakness to Maura now that knew the truth would give her strength and keep her from pushing her away but it didn't.

" There is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect in your own way and I love you okay?"Maura whispered kissing Jane's shoulder, her left hand on her thigh.

"I know you love me, I just…"Jane sighed unable to find the words that would express how she felt without hurting Maura.

"It's alright Jane, we don't need to do this if you don't want to but could you please tell me something?"

"Yes…"

"When we make love I often wander my fingers on you from your shoulders down to your lower back and you seem to enjoy it, so how is it different from a massage?"Maura asked feeling Jane had calmed down and was more inclined to talk.

"It's different because you don't actually touch me, you just slightly stroke my skin with your finger tips . A massage is much more physical, you press your fingers on the skin, stimulating the flesh as deep as you. It's more intense."

"Are you scared of actually being aroused if I massage you and of not being able to handle it?"Hearing Jane explain her fear Maura started to understand that she was simply scared of the unknown, that because she was always so in control she was afraid to allow herself to feel she never experienced before and of not being able to handle it.

"I don't know, I mean you know how turned on I'm when we have sex and I'm able to handle it…"Jane replied shrugging her shoulders faced with her own contradictions.

"Yes but what arouses you when we make love is seeing me enjoying myself but this would be different because you would be excited because of me, of my hands on your skin, it would be a direct response to a physical stimulation not a visual one."

"You're right, it's completely different and I maybe I'm afraid of being turned because of you for the first time because it's unknown and I don't know how I might react or maybe I'm scared that your touch as sensual or sexual as it might be won't have any effect on me. I have been denying myself pleasure for so long that I don't know if I'm still capable of feeling any. God Maura what if my body is shut down for ever?"Jane let ou desperately hoping that she wasn't broken beyond damage.

"Oh Jane, your body isn't locked for ever, I promise it will get better but you need to trust me and let me try okay?"Maura replied clinching her teeth fighting the tears rushing to her eyes.

"I don't know Maura, I don't want to hurt your feelings ..."

"Oh Jane, you think I would feel offended if I didn't manage to aroused you by massaging you?"Maura smiled touched that Jane was still thinking about her feelings first before her own.

"Yeah, I mean massages between two people who are dating are never innocent, they're usually the first stage of foreplay."Jane replied slightly turning her head.

"Well not in this case. I truly want to help you feel better, no hidden agenda, I promise." Maura replied looking straight in Jane's eye knowing that she would be able to see how sincere and in love with her she was.

Looking in Maura's eyes Jane could see how much she adored her but also how desperate she was to help her. Most people who meet Maura for the first time judge her on her physical apparence, on the way she dresses and talks and assume that she's a cold, insensitive woman and the fact that she's a medical examiner only makes things worse. Luckily people how really knew her knew that Maura was the most empathic woman on earth who couldn't stand seeing the people she loved suffer and who would cut her fingers off to spare them. Looking at the desperation in Maura's eyes Jane knew how hurt her girlfriend was seeing her miserable and struggling and knew that pushing her away would only make things worse. She owed it to her to at least give it a try and to trust her not to cross the line of what she could handle.

Nodding in approval Jane sat there as Maura positioned herself behind her on the bed. Smiling at the immense proof of love Jane had just given her Maura slowly slid fingers under Jane's tank top gently stroking the lower back at first immediately feeling her shiver under her touch. Sitting on the edge of her bed tightening her fingers on her pajama's Jane's first instinct was to stand up and run but she knew that she needed to give this an honest try, for her and for Maura , that as willing and devoted as her girlfriend was she also needed to corporate if she wanted this to work.

Feeling no objection Maura placed both her hands of Jane's waist and started to massage her with her thumb slowly drawing circles.

"Oh right there."Jane grinned feeling Maura's left thumb pressing on the painful zone.

"Alright." Maura replied kissing the back of Jane's neck.

For the next thirty minutes Maura continued to massage Jane's lower back following her instructions. As eager as Maura was to move her hands higher and caress the rest of her back she knew that Jane would see it as a betrayal and she decided to stick to the zone that were troubling her.

At first Jane felt extremely uncomfortable but seeing that Maura was keeping her words and was limiting her touch to her lower back she started to relax and enjoy herself, feeling the pain slowly leave her body.

30 minutes later once she was satisfied that Jane wasn't in pain anymore Maura lowered her tank top, kissed her shoulder and pulled her in bed before snaking herself around her. Without saying a word the two women lied in bed for the rest of the morning holding each other.

Her arms around Jane Maura was proud of herself for convincing her to trust her and also of Jane for finally letting go of that control. Obviously she knew that Jane loved her so much that she was willing to do anything not to loose her and as much as she would have preferred that Jane did it for the right reasons Maura decided to settle with this one for now, hoping that Jane would take the next step willingly, not out of fear of loosing her.

Lying on her side Maura's arms around her Jane couldn't help but feeling proud of herself. For most people receiving a back massage was the most normal thing but for her it was a big deal. For the first time since they started dating Jane had allowed Maura to touch her and even it wasn't on any arousing zone she had a feeling that this was the first step towards finally overcoming her issues. All she was hoping was to continue to make progress and that she wouldn't screw things up and send them two steps back.

**So guys, I know some of you might think that Jane made a big deal out of a simple massage. Well I hope that after reading 4 chapters and my author's notes you understand me enough to get my point.**

**This scene was 98% autobiographic including the dialogues and it was extremely painful for me to write. It's one thing to know you have issues but writing them down and putting them out there for people to read is another thing, it's like everything becomes more real and it hurts...**

**As always feedback is welcome...**

**PS : Thanks for all the reviews and PMs, you guys are so great, you give me the strength to continue this soul searching I started and to write about it...:)**


	5. Shared responsibility

**Chapter 5 :**

**Shared responsibilities : **

After that short but intense massage session Jane and Maura lied in bed for a while in silence, neither of them knowing what to say or do. Lying on her back stroking Maura's hair with her fingers Jane was relieved and proud of herself for allowing her to touch her like that. Actually she felt a little stupid for making such a fuss for something that insignificant as a back massage and for not trusting Maura not to cross the line. Obviously Jane knew that Maura would never do anything she didn't want to do or wasn't ready for but she knew how confident she could be and was afraid that she might let her enthusiasm get the best of her and make her cross the line. Luckily for for Maura was perfectly able to refrain herself, deepening the trust jane had in her.

Resting her head on Jane's chest listening to her heart beats was also relieved and even if she was a bit frustrated she was also satisfied that things went smoothly and that Jane didn't react badly to her touch. Wandering her fingers on Jane's arms Maura knew that this was only the first step towards earning Jane's trust and making her feel comfortable enough to take the next step. Actually Maura had a feeling that this was probably the beginning of a long period of abstinence for her but she didn't care, all she wanted was to be with Jane, to help her find herself and nothing else mattered.

"So I have been thinking…"Jane finally spoke bitting her bottom lip not knowing where to start.

"Yes Jane?" Maura replied rising her head as she quickly flipped on her side.

"Well, I have been thinking about our relationship and the way things happened between us." Taking a deep breath Jane knew that she had to be extremely careful with her choice of words because Maura had a tendency to take everything literally.

"You have?" Maura quietly replied looking at Jane straight in the eyes.

"Yes, I think that waiting for so long to finally face our feelings and acting on them was a good thing. I mean if we waited it was because we weren't ready, right?" Jane mumbled already loosing sight of what she had been thinking about ever since the first time they had sex.

"Yes, even if both of us had been feeling the same physical and emotional attraction for years neither of us were ready to either engage in a serious relationship or to face people's interrogations and judgement, not to mention that neither of us were willing to risk loosing our friendship. So I believe you're right, we took our time to develop our natural bond and consider things carefully. Don't worry I don't regret waiting. It actually increased my desire and emotions and made that first kiss even more perfect." Maura replied her hand on Jane's lip feeling that her girlfriend needed her to meet her half way .

"Well if I don't regret taking my time to finally confess my feelings there is something I regret not doing." Closing her eyes hoping Maura would be understanding Jane was petrified. Actually for the past few days she expected Maura to just walk away every time she confessed something new or deeper, but Maura never left her, she stayed even if it hurt.

"Let me make an educated guess : you wish we had talked about sex before sleeping together?" Maura said suddenly feeling responsible for the situation they were in. She always saw Jane as strong and confident and always assumed that she was completely ready to engage in a sexual relationship and that if she had felt the need to talk about it she would have. Unfortunately seeing where this discussion was going Maura realized that she had made a mistake she was determined to make things right hoping that it wasn't to late for them to have the " sex talk".

"Yes. I mean we, once again waited for a long time before sleeping together, which I think was the wise thing to do because it allowed us to rediscover each other in a new way and to slowly get used to be dating you know. The thing is we actually never talked about how we pictured our first time or our future sex life you know ."

"You're right, we talked a lot about our future, about moving in together, getting married or even having children but we never talked about our expectations, desires or fears regarding our sex lives."

"Exactly and I wanted to apologize. I should have had the balls to tell you about my ….issues before we had sex but I naively thought that I would be able to overcome them by myself, that they would disappear after our first time, but they didn't. Actually the more we had sex the less comfortable I felt and the less I wanted you to touch me. I'm so sorry Maura..." Jane finally confessed closing her eyes expecting Maura to bounced out off bed and slam the door behind her.

"Jane look at me. I understand why you didn't confide in me at the time. You always take care of people, making sure that they know how strong and confident you are and confessing your discomfort and fears would have probably made you feel weak or incapable of taking care of me. "Maura replied cupping Jane's face with her right hand.

" Damn I feel like a complete failure for not being able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve and admitting it was just not a option, I couldn't take the risk of appearing weak and loosing you."Pulling Maura closer to her tightening her grip Jane was finally facing her deepest fear : not being able to live up to Maura's expectations and the image she had of her.

"Oh Jane...Admitting and facing your fears doesn't make you weak. And besides I'm not with you for your badge or because you can kill a man with your bare hands but because you're the most caring, gentle and the sweetest person I ever met in my entire life. Even if you can be extremely strong and threatening when you're on the job, in your private life you're...so kind, respectful and attentive to my desires. That's what made me fall in love with you Jane, not your badge or your gun." Maura replied stroking Jane's mouth with her lips, kissing her tenderly.

"I know..."

"Actually, I need to apologize as well. I should have brought the subject up instead of assuming you were perfectly comfortable with your sexuality and that engaging in a sexual relationship would go as naturally and everything else between us. I should have realized that sleeping together wasn't something that was to be taken lightly, I'm sorry."

"Oh baby, don't apologize, as you said I always act like I'm confident and after years of keeping that mask on my face I became pretty good at faking."

"No Jane, don't minimize my lack of judgement. I know you and It has never been a secret that you're not always as confident as you want people to think. I suppose I was to eager to finally share your bed that I ignored the obvious." Suddenly facing her own failures Maura felt the guilt filling up her heart : she had been so frisky and eager to have sex with Jane that she consciously ignore Jane's discomfort.

"Well, I guess we both share the responsibility, but what do you think would have had happened if I had told you that I didn't feel comfortable in my body and that I didn't want you to touch me?Would you have accepted it?"

"Of course I would have Jane. Actually for the past two months I have been allowing you to make love to me without being able to reciprocate because I feel that's what you need. I just think that knowing about your fears and discomfort would have allowed me to accept and understand things more easily and it would have certainly helped you feeling less guilty about it. Actually I believe it would have allowed you to freely unleash your desires in a much healthier way."

"I know. God, every time we had sex I was so grateful that you allowed me to be the guy and that you understood and respected me enough not to try to touch me but it hurt me so much, seeing how frustrated you were afterwards just broke my heart. I don't want to hurt or cause you anymore frustration Maura. I don't want to let my fear dictate my behavior and hurt us anymore." Jane strongly stated.

"Me neither Jane and I'm glad that the dialogue is now opened between us and to the risk of becoming a lesbian cliche I really want us to talk about our feelings and desires from now on, okay?" Gently caressing Jane's cheek with the back of her hand Maura suddenly felt Jane had enough of being scared and was willing to fight to get better and after fearing that she had just given up she was relieved to see the determination and desire in her voice.

"Okay, but I'm warning you my desires might scare you a bit." Jane mumbled smiling uncomfortably.

"You could never scare me Jane. I love you and I'm willing to do everything you need me to do in order to help you, all you need to do is ask."Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead.

Holding Maura in her arms Jane was relieved that they finally got to clarify things and that they were both adult enough to admit their mistakes. Unfortunately as touching and comforting as Maura's unconditional support was it scared Jane to death. Up until now Jane had refrained herself in bed because she didn't want to hurt Maura or turn her into a submissive, experimental partner but the truth was that she had fantasies, needs that she never made come true and as tempting as Maura's proposal was being able to unleash or sexual desires to its full extend scared her to death. Yes Detective Jane Rizzoli has always been in control of her life, body, even thoughts, god knew control was important in her job and she was scared that even if loosing control in bed might actually help her feel more comfortable with her body it might actually hurt Maura even more. Unfortunately Jane felt she couldn't hold this sexual desires and frustrations inside anymore and could only hope that finding herself wouldn't mean loosing her better half.

**So guys, I'm not dead, Im just slowly recovering from a huge author's block...**  
><strong>What do you think about this conversation?I think it was important for them to acknowledge their responsibility. <strong>

**What do you think about Jane's desires?Do you think that she might have desires and fantasies that are so deep that they might scare or hurt Maura?Do you think she should go through with them or just continue to hold back even if she knows it might help her? God I hope I didn't confuse you, I realize this story is hard to follow if you don't pay attention lol!**

**Finally I wanted to thank you guys for the reviews, PM. This story has been so painful so write because it forces me to face my own weaknesses and to feel that you don't judge me and that you understand me makes me happy:) thanks!**


	6. Trust

**Yes I know it's a very long chapter but trust me it's worth it!**

**Chapter 6:**

**Trust :**

After their rather heavy and intense conversation Maura decided to lighten the atmosphere by offering Jane to reorganize her closet and kitchen.

As much as Jane hated Maura's almost visceral need to clean, tidy, arrange food by alphabetic orders and clothes by color she was grateful for Maura's attempt to cheer her up.

"Alright, it looks like we're finished here. I know a few charities who are going to be thrilled to receive those clothes."Standing in front of Jane's bed looking at a pile of clothes they both agreed could go to charity Maura was proud of herself, not only she had cleared Jane's closet of unused clothes but she knew those clothes would be appreciated by people in need.

"Well as much as I hate it when you put your nose in my closet or rearrange everything I must admit that it was necessary."Standing behind her arms around her waist Jane couldn't believe the quantity of clothes she had in her closet that remained untouched.

"I agree and considering that I bought half of those clothes for you I think I should stop shopping for you, as it's obvious that we don't share the same taste."

"Oh baby, I'm sorry. Of course I love the clothes that you buy me, it's just that as sexy and classy as those suits are I don't feel comfortable wearing them. Not to mention that I don't need that many different suits you know." Kissing Maura's neck Jane was genuinely sorry that they didn't share the same enthusiasm for fashion and that as expensive as those suits were they were cut in a way that didn't allow her to run after suspects if needed. As in love as Jane was and as willing as she was to make compromises and to do all sorts of things that she didn't really want to do to please Maura, she needed to be comfortable in her work clothes.

"I know. I realize that they are not very comfortable or practical and besides I'm not your mother, it's not my job to dress you, not to mention you're extremely sexy no matter what you wear."Maura replied turning around snaking her arms around Jane as well.

"Alright, so you don't want to see me in that sexy lingerie you got me for valentine's day?"Jane innocently said biting her bottom lip.

"Of course I would love to see you wearing it, just like I would love nothing more than seeing you take it of so I could feel your naked body against mine, but I know you're not ready but it's alright I will wait as long as it takes."Maura quietly replied inviting Jane to sit on her bed with her. A few days ago Maura would have been really careful when expressing her desires especially after Jane told her the truth about her issues but she was now feeling confident that Jane felt comfortable enough to at least hear about her desires and express her own.

"What else would you want me to do?"Remembering the conversation they just had a few hours ago Jane knew how important it was for Maura that they vocalized their fears and desires from now on and as unsettling as it was for her she knew that talking would probably be liberating not to mention that after all the patience and love Maura had given her it was the least she could do.

"For now?Nothing, really. I'm happy that you trusted me enough to confide in me and I just want you to continue on that path."Kissing Jane's finger tips Maura could see how lost she was but couldn't help but admiring how willing she was and the strength she was demonstrating.

"Come on Maura I'm sure you have all sorts of fantasies."

"Yes I do and we have the rest of their lives to act on them."Leaning over to kiss her Maura was a bit scared that confessing her fantasy might scare Jane and after making such terrific progress she wasn't willing to risk sending them back where they were a few days ago.

"No Maura. I want to satisfy your needs now!"Jane objected rising her voice.

"Jane…"

"No, I mean…Ever since we started having sex we have been doing things my way and I'm sorry for being so selfish. Now I want to do things your way so please let me and tell me what I could do to satisfy you please…"Jane replied trying to breath out.

"Alright Jane but first I want you to know that if I let you take the lead in the bedroom it's because I wanted to. Making love with you is by far the most incredible experience of my life. You are everything but selfish Jane, I mean I never met someone who was that patient, who listened to me and my body like you do and who I could completely let myself go with without feeling embarrassed or weak. You unleashed feelings, sensations in my that I never thought I would experience but you're right there is something I would like for us to try. Wait here."Facing Jane's determination Maura knew she had no choice but to surrender and was hoping that her fantasy wouldn't scare Jane.

"Alright." Sitting on her bed biting her nails Jane was torturing herself trying to figure out what fantasy would require that Maura left the room for a few minutes but trusted her enough to know her limits and was appropriate to ask her to do or not.

Walking towards the small closet between Jane's bedroom and the bathroom Maura couldn't help but admiring Jane for being to stubborn and eager to get better.

A few minutes later Maura was back in Jane's room a rather large black box in her hand.

"What do we have here?"Sitting up straight in bed her arms crossed on her chest Jane was playing naive but had a very precise idea of what was in that box.

"Well. I bought this about tree weeks ago thinking that it would be fun to use it, that it would allow us to experience new sensations and a new way of making love."Opening the box taking a deep breath Maura was praying for Jane not to over react and to let her explain her fantasy before jumping to conclusion.

"Holly crap, that thing is huge!I thought size didn't matter."Jane joked almost choking on her saliva.

"Of course size doesn't matter , what matters is how you use it and considering those great hip moves you got I figured we might as well try a larger model that would allow you to go deeper inside of me and reach spots that remain untouched to this day." Taking the large black strap on out of her box Maura suddenly realized that Jane was right : it was not only long but thick.

"So you never slept with a guy who was that well hung?"Looking at Maura manipulating that dildo Jane was amazed by how comfortable she was and was relieved that at least one of them was confident about doing this.

"No, I met a few gentlemen who were well proportioned but it never turned out to be enjoyable. Men who are well endowed often think that the size of their penis is enough to satisfy their partners and therefore don't feel compel to do put any effort in it. Unfortunately being well endowed doesn't make a man a good lover actually it can make it a terrible and painful one if he's not gentle and patient."

"Oh and you trust me not to hurt you?"Swallowing hard Jane realized that Maura wasn't unlike what she previously thought wasn't particularly attracted by well hung men and it seemed that she actually had bad experiences in the past.

"Yes I do. I trust you to be gentle, to take your time and make sure that I'm lubricated enough before …"

"Yeah I get the picture. Well I'm grateful that you trust me enough but…"

"But you don't picture yourself using a third party to satisfy me."Maura pouted looking down.

"No, it's not that Maura. Actually I can totally picture myself with that thing around my waist. It's just that the whole point was to help me feel more comfortable in my body as a woman…"

"And you think that wearing a strap on would to the contrary emphasize your masculine side…"Maura nodded realizing that her offer might not be the most adequate thing to help Jane being more in touch with her femininity.

"Yes."

"Well…I think that making love to me with that strap on might actually allow you to unleash your desire and passion in a way that you never expressed before. I think it would be very liberating and that it could help you to get more in touch with your sexuality and your body."

"Well that's what I'm afraid of Maura. I told you I had a dark side and by unleashing my desires to their full extend I might end up hurting you, especially if I have that thing between my legs." Looking down chewing the inside of her cheek Jane was faced to her darkest side and knew that by unleashing her sexual fire might end up burning what was left of their relationship and the respect Maura had for her.

Thinking about it Jane realized that Maura was right, that for her to get better she would need to completely loose control, that it would probably liberate her but she knew herself and her dark side well enough to know that it would probably mean hurting her either physically or emotionally and as eager as she was to get better she wasn't willing to sacrifice the love of her life for it. Closing her eyes Jane realized that maybe accepting herself the way she truly was actually be the best she would ever be able to accomplished and considering that if getting better meant hurt Maura maybe she would have to settle for that.

"Jane, look at me. I love you more than science, more than shoes God I love you more than life itself. I trust you with my heart, my life and by body. I know you're lost and that you're scared that by loosing control you might hurt me but I know for a fact that you would rather shoot yourself before hurting me. If you don't trust yourself than trust me."Cupping Jane's face with her right hand Maura could see how torn Jane was between her desire to get better and her fears of hurting her but she trusted her and she knew that she was safe with her, all she needed to do was to make Jane believe it to.

"Well I did promise you to trust you didn't I?"Even if she knew that Maura wouldn't take it personally if she declined her offer and would understand and wait for her to be ready Jane couldn't help but wanting to give Maura what she wanted, what they both wanted actually.

Feeling Maura's warm hand on her face tensely stroking her cheek Jane felt safe, and loved enough to take that leap of face. Thinking about it Jane was praying that Maura was right and that if things got out of hand she would be able stop herself before hurting her.

"Good, now I'm going to take a quick shower while you and our new friend get better acquainted."Maura smiled pressing her lips against Jane's.

"I will be waiting. I love you."

"I love you to. I promise you everything is going to be just fine."Maura whispered kissing Jane's forehead before slowly walking towards the bedroom.

For the next 10 minutes Jane sat on her bed, that strap on in her hand examining it from every possible angle.

"_God, she's certainly confident cause she might not realize it but even when she's really wet, she's still very tight. How in hell Am I gonna manage to excite her enough so it doesn't hurt her?_"Scratching the back of her head Jane couldn't possibly imagine how in hell Maura was going to be able to take that thing til the end and knew that she would have to use her best skills to arouse her enough to make it as comfortable and enjoyable possible.

After a few minutes of inspecting their"new friend" Jane slightly felt more comfortable having it in her hand and decided to drop her pants and put it on.

Standing in the middle of her bedroom hoping that Maura wouldn't barge it and see her like this Jane quickly attached the strap on around her waist, tightening it enough to make sure it wouldn't down at that massive cock hanging between her legs Jane felt extremely weird, so weird that she started laughing.

"T_he things that woman can make me do_."Jane said to herself pulling her pants on.

A few minutes later Maura finally came out out of the bathroom only wearing a towel.

"Finally!"Jane said almost drooling at the view of Maura walking towards her bed, apparently still wet and only wearing a black towel.

"Yes, I apologize for the delay. I see you put it on already."Maura smiled licking her lips.

"Yes. I wanted to see how it felt you know get used to it before we tried."Jane replied welcoming Maura on the bed.

"Well let me see how it feels."Jumping on her lap immediately placing her hand between Jane's legs Maura was already highly aroused just by feeling the thick dildo hanging there.

"Easy tiger, I thought you wanted us to take our time."Jane objected feeling the dildo rubbing against her leg as Maura was gently rubbing it through the fabric of her pants.

"Right right…How about I take this off?"Sitting on top of Jane opening her towel before dropping it on the floor Maura felt more excited than she ever felt before. This was going to be a life changing experience, she knew it.

Sitting there in bed looking at Maura sitting on her lap completely naked, water drops streaming down her gorgeous breast all the way down to her firm belly Jane suddenly felt extremely confident and overly excited.

"My eyes are up here Detective."Maura smiled voluntarily rising her chest literally flashing them in Jane's face.

Looking down at her beautiful girlfriend Maura could see the desire and confidence that made her so sexy.

"Right now babe you could have a third eye on your forehead I wouldn't be able to see it." Jane replied as she gently started to kiss her.

Gently brushing Maura's lips, wandering her fingers on her naked back Jane was already aroused and wanted only one thing : be inside of her. Unfortunately as eager as Jane was she knew that if they wanted this to be enjoyable they needed to take their time.

Feeling Jane's mouth on her neck, her tongue tickling her skin and her finger tips roaming on her back Maura was also eager to get in the heart of the action. Unfortunately she knew that for this experience to be successful she needed to let Jane take the lead and as excruciating as it was she knew that she enjoyed taking her time.

Kissing Maura's neck, dragging her tongue on her chest towards her left breast Jane could feel Maura shivering under her touch, her breathing becoming heavier.

Eager to arouse her girlfriend a bit more Jane cupped her right breast and started tickling her nipple while drawing circles around her left nipple with her tongue.

"Oh Jane…"Her eyes closed her arms wrapped around Jane's neck Maura could feel the warmth streaming down her legs.

"Excited much Dr Isles?"Jane replied dragging her fingers towards Maura's folds.

"You know I am."Without even noticing it Maura had started rubbing herself against the dildo that was hanging between Jane's leg.

Through the fabric of Jane's jean she could felt the thick object and feeling it stroking her clit.

"I can see that, God you're so wet for me baby."Placing her hands between Maura's legs Jane couldn't believe how wet she already was.

Feeling the juice streaming down on her fingers Jane couldn't take resist anymore so she quickly buy gently pushed Maura aside before rolling on top of her.

Her breath immediately taken away by Jane's spontaneity Maura's heart stopped beating for a second as she felt the weight of Jane's body pressing against her and the dildo against her leg.

Feeling Jane's fingers between her legs Maura started to rub herself against them hoping it would encourage Jane to take the next step.

"Alright baby, alright. I'm giving you what you want."Jane said as she unexpectedly thrusted one then two fingers deep in Maura's fold making her arch her back instantly.

"Oh Jane…."Maura panted following Jane's thrusts with her hips, rising them as Jane plunged her fingers inside her helping her go deeper inside her.

Feeling encouraged by Maura literally dancing below her Jane continued to thrust inside and out of her, pushing her fingers deeper and pulling slower each time. Kissing her girlfriend's gorgeous breast, hearing her moan Jane could feel her own arousal rising exponentially.

Feeling Jane inside of her, giving herself completely to her, feeling her tongue on her nipples Maura was already over the edge. Unwilling to waste another minute Maura quickly reached out for Jane's zipper expecting her to stop to her big surprise Jane didn't and to the contrary allowed her to pull out the massive dildo out of her pants.

"I let you take it out but we're still doing this my way." Jane grinned rushing her lips against her.

"Yes. I'm sorry."Maura nodded smiling internally at how comfortable Jane seemed to be, her who half an hour ago was so reluctant to try this new experience.

Feeling that Maura was almost over the edge Jane started it was time to play a little bit and started to gently rub the head of the dildo against Maura's legs gently moving it towards her folds.

"_Oh, she's killing me!What is she waiting for_?"Bucking her hips hoping that Jane would accelerate thing Maura was desperate, she wanted, she needed to feel it inside her, now.

"Not so fast my love."Jane said to herself as she gently started to rub Maura's clit with the tip of the dildo guiding it with her hand.

Her eyes closed feeling the cold object stroking her clit Maura had to use her best self control not to buck her hip so hard that it would cause the dildo to penetrate her. Unfortunately she knew that she needed to respect Jane's decision to take the lead on this, that the role point of this little adventure was to help Jane gain more self confidence and feel more in touch with her desires.

Feeling Maura's uncontrollable desire Jane paused for a second and started to think about the best position, the one that would make her experience this sensation more deeply. Tempted to ask Maura Jane suddenly remembered that she was in charge at the moment and wasn't willing to appear uncertain of what she was doing. From experience she knew that taking her from behind would allow her to thrust deeper inside her girlfriend but couldn't help but thinking that this position was completely impersonal and wouldn't allow them to look into each other's eyes. Unfortunately Jane's priority was Maura's pleasure not hers.

Hesitating for a second asking herself if she wasn't going too far Jane suddenly stopped stroking Maura's clit.

"Something wrong?"Maura mumbled trying to catch her breath as she saw the sudden doubt in her Jane's eyes.

"No, on your knees now!"Jane ordered rising her voice.

"As you wish Detective." Swallowing hard feeling her heart hammering her chest Maura was more than happy to oblige happy that Jane was finally starting to unleash her passion.

"I mean, if you don't mind. I know you love it when I kiss you and look into your eyes when you come and…"Jane mumbled readjusting her tone.

"No, it's alright Jane. We both know this position is perfect for optimal penetration." Maura smiled kissing Jane's forehead before poisoning herself as Jane had requested.

On her knees looking at the bed board Maura was excited. Yes she loved kissing Jane and looking at her in the eyes, but the idea of not knowing or seeing what was going to happened aroused her deeply.

Kneeling behind Maura one hand on her lower back and the other holding the dildo Jane took a deep breath knowing that this was the moment of truth. Making sure Maura was wet enough to welcome the massive dildo Jane started to gently stroke Maura's entrance with the tip of the toy.

Feeling the head of the dildo tickling her entrance Maura was almost over the edge and rose her ass slightly to show Jane she was ready.

Receiving Maura's message loud and clear Jane slowly pushed the head of the dildo inside Maura's core almost waiting for her to stop her.

Her head down, biting her pillow as she felt the dildo slowly penetrating her Maura started to feel her inner muscles tightening around it, she was close, very close but knew that coming too fast would ruin everything.

"You like that baby?"Jane muttered as she suddenly thrusted the rest of the dildo deep into her girlfriend.

"OH God."Maura screamed literally jumping out of her skin as he felt the massive dildo reaching the end of her folds.

"Am I hurting you?"Scared by Maura's scream Jane suddenly stopped her thrusts already hating herself.

"No, continue."Maura replied rising her ass pushing the dildo back inside her to encourage Jane to continue.

The truth was as wet as she was Maura could feel a slight discomfort. It wasn't painful but it was a bit unsettling. Unfortunately she knew that expressing her discomfort would just make Jane feel guilty so she didn't say a words and continue to follow Jane's thrusts with her hips.

Still behind Maura, her hands on both side of her hips Jane was having the time of her life. For the first time in her life she was able to completely let go of her pulsions , her frustration and her darkest desires.

Thrusting inside and out of Maura hearing her moan, feeling her shake under her touchJane never felt so around in her entire life. Obviously she had experienced some great satisfaction making love to Maura in the past but nothing compared to this.

Two hours and several orgasms in several positions later Maura and Jane literally collapsed, unable to breath, to talk or think even in bed resting her head on Jane's chest Maura had never felt so satisfied in her entire life. Even if her vagina was now burning and no matter how uncomfortable and painful that was she had the time of her life and was even more satisfied knowing she had managed to make Jane loose control. Yes trying to catch her breath Maura felt that Jane and her had just took an important step and could only hope it was the first of many.

Trying to catch her breath as well, the dildo still hanging between her legs Jane couldn't believe how intense and satisfying this experience has she hadn't climaxed but she had experienced a lot of pleasure and most importantly had felt overwhelmed with a feeling of freedom and that after all was the whole point of this experience.

Stroking Maura's hair with her fingers Jane was also convinced that Maura and her had achieve something great today. Unfortunately she didn't know where that experience was going to lead them or what the next step was. Luckily for her Jane knew that no matter how lost she was she could always count on Maura to guide her, push her a little bit when needed. Yes as lost as Jane still felt she was now convinced that Maura was the key and was more determined than ever to trust her and for the first time in a long time even started to believe that she might now be as unfixable as she thought

**Alright guys, I basically spent 5 hours straight writing this without stopping for a minute(yes I'm slow.)**

**I hope you enjoyed the sex and more importantly you understood the meaning behind this whole experience.**

**I think you guys know me well enough now to get my point and understand what I'm trying to express with this story.**

**I know it's very shallow of me but I think this might be the best chapter I ever wrote on both the sexual and emotional aspects ! I would really love some reviews on this chapter, you know how uncomfortable love scenes make me but this one ...well actually I was turned on just by writing it so I really really would love to read your feedback…Pretty please with cherry on top:)**

**Thanks guys!**


	7. Giving back

**Chapter 7 :**

**Giving back : **

For almost an hour Jane and Maura stayed in bed in silence trying to recover both physically and emotionally from their intense love making session. Jane was on her back her pants still on, the strap on hanging between her legs while Maura was naked curled in fetal position her head on Jane's chest. Neither of them were willing to talk or to even dare moving, Jane because she was scared that once back to reality Maura might realize how insane this little experiment was and and just freak out on her. Maura on the other hand knew that Jane needed reassurance and to hear from that what had happened hadn't scared her but the truth was it did scare her. Lying in bed Maura could barely move, her back, inner thighs and vagina were burning if not hurting. Unfortunately Maura knew that mentioning it to Jane would only upset her and send them 10 steps back. For the first time since they have been together Maura was about to lie to Jane, or at least minimize the truth, it was her fault after all. It was her who suggested this little game, who choose the biggest size she could find and who almost begged Jane to trust her and let go completely. Unfortunately she couldn't have known how powerful Jane's impulses were .

"Are you cold?You're shaking."Jane finally spoke pulling her covers up.

"It's a bit chilly in here. Thank you." Maura replied closing her eyes.

"I should take this off, just give me a second."Jane said reaching out for her pants, pulling them down and finally releasing herself from the dildo's grip.

"Oh it's almost 7pm already. I should get dressed."Maura replied sitting up in bed trying to cover herself.

"Why?Are you going somewhere?"Jane frowned pulling Maura against her.

"I haven't been home in two days. I need to take care of Bass and I have a few things to take care of before going back to work tomorrow." Maura replied wrapping the sheet around her looking around for her clothes.

"Don't worry about Bass. I'm sure Ma is taking good care of him, and who said we had to go back to work tomorrow?We both have accumulated so much overtime and vacation days we never took that we could retire."Kissing Maura's shoulder smelling her hair Jane wanted to make those two days last for ever.

"I know but I have to testify in court on tree different cases this week and I need to be prepared."

"I'm sure you have been preparing since the day you received the trial's date, come on stay the night."Pulling Maura closer to her attacking her neck Jane was already up for a 5th round and had no intention of taking no for an answer.

"Alright, alright but I really need to get a good night of sleep, so you're going to have to behave."Turning her head forcing herself to smile all Maura wanted was to go home, draw herself a hot bath and analyze what had happened and try to make sense out of it. Unfortunately she knew that Jane would feel abandoned and would start wondering if she had done something wrong. So Maura agreed to stay the night hoping Jane would behave and not try to seduce her again because she knew she wouldn't be able to have sex again for a while. Luckily for her she knew she was going to spend the next week in court and that she wouldn't have time to see Jane and that she would probably be physically recovered once free of her court duties.

"Alright. I promise I will keep my hands I'm my pockets and my tongue in my mouth."Jane joked pulling them back on their pillows.

The next morning Jane and Maura woke up at the same time unwilling to go back to work.

Trying to sit up in bed Maura was still in pain : her lower back was hurting so much that she couldn't sit straight.

"Are you alright?"Sitting on the edge of her bed looking at her girlfriend Jane could see there was something wrong but couldn't pin point what is was.

"Yes. I'm just concerned about those trials. It's going to be a long week and 'm not sure I'm going to have much time for you."The truth was Maura has never been so grateful for court duties. She knew she was going to have an entire week for herself to recover both physically and emotionally.

"I know, but you need to do this for the victim's families. I will see you whenever you can catch a break. don't worry about it." Jane replied kissing her shoulder knowing that as much as she hated it trials testimonies were important and that their relationship had to come second when one of them had to spend time in court.

"Alright. How about you go meet ahead and prepare some breakfast while I take a quick shower?"

"Alright."Nodding as she bounced out off bed Jane couldn't help but feeling that something was seriously wrong with Maura and didn't know if she should confront her or not.

Thirty minutes later after painfully dragging herself towards the bathroom and taking a hot almost burning shower Maura joined Jane in the kitchen feeling slightly better.

"The bathroom is all yours if you want."Maura said forcing herself to smile as she walked towards the counter trying her best to hide her discomfort.

"Someone isn't walking straight today."

"I haven't been walking or thinking straight since the day we met Jane, you have that effect on me."Maura replied through grinned teeth as she sat down trying to remain as straight as possible.

"I hurt you didn't I?"

"Jane…"

"No, tell me the truth, did I hurt you?"

" I do feel a bit uncomfortable which was to expect but I must admit I underestimated the consequences of choosing such a massive object to play with especially with someone as passionate as you but I'm not hurt alright?"Holding Jane's hand looking at her in the eyes Maura did her best to twist the words coming out of her mouth to make them tell something must less dramatic than the ugly truth.

"I'm so sorry Maura I think I might have gone too far. It won't happen again."Withdrawing her hand facing the truth Jane knew she should have never agreed to play that stupid game. She knew from the start that she was probably going to hurt her but she let her guard down and allow herself to trust Maura and now the woman she loved was in pain because of her weakness.

"Don't worry about it. I had a fantastic time but I think you already knew that."

As painful as it was to admit it Maura actually enjoyed herself more than she ever did in her entire life. For some reason the pain and discomfort had aroused her to a point she never thought existed, maybe because she had finally managed to make Jane trust her and lost control or maybe it was the actual pain. Maura didn't know why she enjoyed it so much and was determined to find out why.

For the next week the two women lived two separate lives : Maura spent the entire week in court testifying on multiple murders cases and Jane investigating a triple murder. Even if they managed to have lunch a couple of time together the two women spent the entire week sleeping each in their own house.

Against all odds this forced separation turned out to beneficial for the two of them. It allowed Maura to rest and her body to heal and to analyze their passionate love making session and try to figure out why she had enjoyed she pain to that extend and it allowed Jane to also analyze that precious night as well and to find a way to make it up to Maura for being a little rough and also to try to find the best way to reciprocate and finally give something back.

On the 7th day of their forced separation Jane, knowing that Maura was now free of her court duties finished writing her report on the triple homicide her and her team had managed to close that same day and drove to Maura's house determined to surprise her.

After stopping to Maura's favorite chinese restaurant for some sushi Jane arrived at Maura's mansion and did her best to create the perfect atmosphere and spared to effort to transfer their bedroom into a perfectly romantic love nest.

After lighting him a few perfumed candles and throwing rose petals on Maura's bed Jane stepped into the bathroom, took a deep breath and turn the hot water on throwing a few of those bubble soaps Maura loved so much in the tub hoping she would enjoy it.

Sitting on the edge of the tub trying to compose herself Jane was hoping that what she was about to do would satisfy Maura, that as small as the gesture might be she would be able to see how big of a step it was for her.

"Jane what are you doing here?"Maura said standing in the middle of the door.

"Oh you're here, crap that was supposed to be a surprise."Fidgeting hearing Maura's voice, almost falling in the tub in the process Jane realized that she had been so focused and deep in her thoughts that she didn't hear Maura come home.

"I figured that much when I entered the bedroom. It's sweet but you didn't have to go through all that trouble."Taking a step towards Jane snaking her arms around her neck Maura was touched. She knew that Jane was doing it not only because she knew she had had a rough week but also to thank her for their last night of passion.

"It was no trouble. I know you had a rough week. So I stopped by that chinese restaurant you love so much and brought some sushis but first you and I are going to take a bubble bath together, so strip down Doc."Jane enthusiastically said slapping her back side.

"I…are you sure?We never took a bath together before…"Maura mumbled touched by Jane's gesture.

For the past 3 months the two women had made love on almost daily basis but she had never seen Jane naked, actually Jane had barely allowed to touch her. Looking down at the bubble bath Maura realized that Jane was serious and knew what a huge step it was and how much courage it had required and she was extremely proud of her.

"Yes I am. " Taking a deep breath Jane wasn't sure at all and was extremely uncomfortable picturing them naked, their bodies rubbing against each other but knowing that the bubbles would at least cover her body made her feel slightly better.

"Alright then. How about I step out for a minute and take off my clothes while you slid in the tub?"Maura offered kissing Jane's forehead.

"Alright."Watching Maura's walked toward their bedroom Jane was finally able to breath.

Slowly unbuttoning her black shirt dropping it on the floor before taking the rest of her clothes off and sliding in the tub Jane was more and more nervous and had no idea what she was doing. She knew she wasn't ready to let Maura touch her or see her naked but remembered Maura telling her she would enjoyed feeling their naked bodies pressing against each other and was hoping she wouldn't chicken out at the last minute.

A few feet away Maura was sitting on her bed wearing nothing but a blue silk robe. Even if only took her a couple of minute to strip down she wanted to give time to Jane to reconsider her decision and eventually take a step back.

Sitting on her bed wandering her finger tips on her chest Maura couldn't help but being excited but the simple thought of feeling Jane's naked body pressing against her and was hoping that everything would go smoothly and that she would be able to reward Jane for her courage later in her bed.

"Jane?May I come in?"Maura said slightly opening the door.

"Yep, I'm all wet. I mean…I'm in the tub already."Jane mumbled rolling her eyes hitting her forehead with the palm of her hand.

"Alright, would you mind closing your eyes please while I take my robe off?"Maura was no prude and Jane had seen her naked dozens of times but she thought that considering she was naked as well seeing her naked in front of her might make Jane uncomfortable.

"Okay."Covering her eyes trying not to cheat Jane could feel her heart hammering her chest and almost burst out of her chest when she felt Maura sliding in the tub.

"You can open your eyes now." Maura said siting in the tub in front of Jane her legs lifted against her chest, turning her back on her.

As eager as Maura was to sit in front of Jane and to face her she knew that starting by turning her back on her was the most reasonable thing to do, that it would allow Jane to get more comfortable with the idea of their two bodies naked so close to each other.

"How's the water?"Jane asked swallowing hard trying to refrain from the urge to flip her and make love to her in that tub.

"It's perfect thank you."

"Don't be shy. Come closer."Jane said pulling Maura against her.

Feeling Jane's arms against her waist and her breasts tickling her back Maura could barely breath and resist the need to turn around and wander her hands on her perfect shaped breasts and firm stomach but she knew she couldn't do that until Jane instructed her to, that it would ruin everything.

For the next half hour the two women stayed in that tub in silence, Jane gently massaging Maura's tensed back muscles, starting from her lower back all the way up to her shoulders.

Maura quietly settled between Jane's legs remained silent as well unwilling to spoil that perfect moment. Using a big blue bath sponge to spread hot water on her arms and chest Maura could barely believe that after months of refusing to be touched or to be naked with her Jane was finally letting her guard down. Thinking about it Maura realized that this sudden excess of trust and confidence was the result of their passionate love making session. That by allowing Jane to unleash her sexual impulses freely she had gained her trust and boosted her self confidence. Sighing as she felt Jane's mouth on her shoulders Maura finally felt that the pain she felt and was actually still feeling wasn't for nothing.

Sitting behind Maura pressing her fingers on every single square inch of her back Jane was finally much more relaxed. Feeling Maura wasn't going to ask her more that she could give her and that she was once again letting her take the lead Jane felt in control at least physically. Emotionally she was overwhelmed by Maura's love and patience and couldn't help to think that she deserved better than this but wasn't sure if she could give her more. A few steps away from Maura's bed Jane didn't know if she was going to be strong enough to allow Maura to at least see her naked and allow their bodies to press against each other as they make love. One thing was sure though she wasn't ready to allow her to touch her and reciprocate she was praying that Maura would understand and that feeling her warm body against hers would be enough.

**So guys ...once again autobiographic chapter...**

**What do you thin about Maura enjoying the pain?**

**Do you think Maura is going to understand that Jane isn't ready to let her touch her and satisfy herself with the bath and by feeling their naked bodies pressing against each other as they make love?That's going to be frustrating feeling her against her but not being able to touch her breasts or her thighs...**

**Thank you for the reviews on last chapter it encouraged me to write another hot chapter that will be published soon(I still need time to make it as perfect as the first one. Encouragements wouldn't hurt :) )**


	8. Almost there

**Chapter 8 :**

**Almost there.**

For the next hour Jane and Maura stayed in the tub in silence until the water was almost cold.

Laying back against Jane, feeling her girlfriend's naked breasts tickling her back and feeling her strong arms around her Maura was in paradise. Even if she couldn't see Jane's gorgeous and athletic body she could feel it against her and that alone arouse her to a point she never thought was possible.

Laying behind Maura her arms and legs strongly wrapped around her keeping her from sliding Jane slowly started to get more comfortable. Wandering her fingers on Maura's thighs feeling it shiver under her touch Jane knew what the next step was and didn't know how to apprehend the situation. Taking a bath with Maura, letting their two naked bodies together was a huge step and she didn't know if she was ready for what Maura was probably expecting to happen next.

"Well, the water is getting cold. We better get out."Maura stated suddenly standing up water dripping down her gorgeous body.

"Yeah. I'll join you in a minute." Laying back in that tub roaming her eyes on her girlfriend's body Jane was amazed by how perfect she was, from her perfectly shaped breasts to her toned belly all the way to her firm ass Maura's body was a wonder to Jane's eyes and had this ability to take her breath away every time she laid her eyes on her.

Nodding as she grabbed a large towel and wrapped it around her Maura was excited imaging the rest of the night hoping Jane would trust her a bit more. As eager as she was to turn this romantic bath into a passionate love making session she knew that Jane had made another gigantic step towards her and wasn't willing to push her further.

Immediately jumping out of the tub as Maura closed the door behind her grabbing her robe in the process Jane knew exactly what Maura was hoping for and expecting of her tonight. For the past two weeks Maura has been nothing but patient and understanding allowing her to take her time, to express herself both verbally and physically and Jane trusted her not to push her limits tonight. Opening the door separating the bathroom from Maura's bedroom Jane felt safe knowing that Maura would never ask her to do anything she didn't want to do or wasn't ready for. As eager as she was to show Maura that her patience wasn't in vain and that she was making progress Jane knew that she needed to do this right, on her own terms not to please Maura or out of fear of loosing her.

"For a minute I thought you had escaped through the window."Maura joked licking her lips in anticipation.

"Yeah, I considered that option…"Jane said shyly walking towards Maura tightening the belt of her robe making sure her breasts weren't visible.

"Don't be shy come here."Pulling Jane closer towards her Maura felt that she needed some encouragement and if she wanted this night to be as memorable as their last one she might have to gently take the lead.

"What should we do now?"Jane mumbled pressing her forehead against Maura's her arms around her neck.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to Jane, really." Pulling Jane in bed with her Maura was really disturbed by Jane's sudden lack of confidence.

Only a few minutes ago Jane seemed to confident and eager to take things further but she now appeared to be completely lost, in desperate need of instruction.

"I know but I really, really want to please you tonight and considering how much fun we had the last time we realized one of your fantasies I think we should continue to explore your deepest desires." Jane replied her voice slightly more confident as she positioned herself on her side careful not to expose any intimate part of her anatomy.

"You're sweet and as much as I appreciate your desire to satisfy me but what I would love is for you to be able to voice your own desires so we can work on your pleasure instead on focusing solely on mine."Sliding closer to Jane tickling her leg with her left foot Maura was trying to push Jane to admit her own fantasy eager to finally be able to satisfy her and see her climax for the first time.

"Don't worry about it , I'm receive plenty of pleasure when we make love."Rolling on top of her attacking her neck Jane had a feeling that Maura's patience had reached its limits and that she was now determined to finally reciprocate. As much as she wished she was ready to let Maura make love to her Jane was terrified at the simple thought and pressing the entire weight of her body on Maura and she was making it really clear that she had no intention of submitting.

"Wait Jane, this is not what I want."Maura objected pushing Jane as hard as she could as she tried to escape her embrace.

"Gee Maura! I'm trying to pleasure you, to put your need first. I know a lot of women who would love that in their relationship."

"I'm not like any other woman Jane. I love you and I'm grateful of the selfless, kind, restless lover that you are but it comes a point in every relationship where both parties need to be on equal foot. Sex is like any other aspect of a relationship it deserves to be treated with respect and equality." Looking at her girlfriend being defensive Maura suddenly started to question Jane's desire to get better and to allow them to be on equal foot. For the first time since she had confided in her Maura started to think that Jane was actually comfortable in her dominant position and had no intention of handing the power to her. That was it : for Jane having sex was about power, not about exploring each other bodies and exchange gentles touch leading to the most exquisite pleasure. It was about having complete control over Maura's body and her own and the simple idea of handing a bit of that control and jump into the unknown was probably scaring her to death.

"I'm not…I'm not ready for that yet. I thought you understood and that you wouldn't force me to do anything I wasn't ready for."Bouncing out of bed Jane felt betrayed. For the past two weeks she had giving herself to Maura completely both physically and emotionally, revealing things to her that were so dark and deep that they scared her to death because she trusted her not to judge her and because she was confident that she would understand and not pressure.

"What are you so scared of Jane?Are you scared that handing the control over to me might make you weak?Are you scared of me hurting you or doing things to you that you don't want me to do and not having the strength to say no?" Standing up as well tightening the towel around her Maura knew that a confrontation was necessary, that if Jane didn't acknowledge her fears things would never improve.

"Of course not. I know you would never hurt me."Walking in circle in Maura's bedroom staying as far as she could from her Jane had to fight harder the she ever did not to explode at her face and confess what her true fear was knowing that it would hurt her.

"Then what is it Jane?I mean over the past two weeks we made tremendous progress. Not only you allowed me to massage you but finally trusted me enough to tell me about not feeling comfortable in your own body but from what just happened in that bathroom I have a feeling that is not the case anymore, so please I'm begging you tell me what's making you hold back. Please."

"You're right talking about it has been liberating and thanks to your patience I fell slightly more comfortable in my body and that's why I was able to make love to you the way we did last week end and why I invited you in that bath tub but I just…"Bursting in tears as she violently collapsed on the wooden floor of Maura's bedroom Jane was about the edge but she couldn't tell Maura the truth and take the risk of hurting her feelings.

"Jane…I promise everything is going to be alright, just let it out baby. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Sitting next to Jane pulling her head against her chest forcing her to listen to her hearts beats Maura was torn between pushing Jane a little further to allow her to free herself from her fears and letting her rest scared that pushing her too hard might send her back to square one.

"I'm…I'm square that despite the progress I have made you won't be able to satisfy me. I denied myself pleasure for so long what if I'm frigid Maura?"

"Oh Jane…you're not frigid, you told me you get aroused when we make love, that wouldn't be possible if you were frigid darling."Smiling at Jane's confession Maura was relieved that her fear was something she had control over.

"Seeing you excited and enjoying yourself turns me on but I have no idea how I'm going to react to your touch Maura. That's why I can not do this until I'm 100% ready. I'm sorry."Jane replied rising her head wiping the tears of her face with the back of her sleeve.

"I understand and you are right, taking that step before you're 100 % ready might cause you to shut down completely if I don't manage to satisfy you. But you need to trust me Jane. Once you allow me to make love to you I'm confident that you will indeed see stars."

"Oh Maura, I'm sorry. I never meant to question your abilities. My fear has nothing to do with you. I'm just questioning my body's ability to feel pleasure after I spent years denying it to myself."

"Let's find out."Standing up picking her girlfriend up Maura knew exactly how she was going to help Jane see that her body wasn't "locked" and was praying that she would trust her enough to agree to this experiment.

"No, Maura…I…"Swallowing hard Jane knew she couldn't fight Maura anymore, she didn't have the physical or mental strength to rest her anymore.

"I won't touch you I promise but I want you to trust me so I can show you that your body isn't locked but rather in sleeping mode. Do you trust me?"Maura asked looking up in Jane's big brown eyes with such love and sincerity that she knew there was no way Jane would reject her.

"Okay."Sighing as she sat on the bed behind her Jane never felt so vulnerable in her entire life. She knew this was necessary, that if she never took that leap of faith she would spend her entire life frustrated and that by refusing Maura's help she might end up loosing her for her.

"I'm going to turn off the lights now. I want you to slid under the covers and relax. I will be joining you in a second."Walking towards the door Maura paused for a second to give time to Jane to settle down comfortably.

Climbing on the left side of Maura's bed slightly shaking Jane had no idea what Maura had in mind but knew that she needed to trust her, hoping that Maura knew what she was about to do. Pulling the covers up to her neck her arms unfolded on both sides of her body Jane closed her eyes trying to relax and empty her head of negative thoughts which wasn't an easy task.

"Alright sweetheart, how are you feeling?Do you want me to blow the candles as well?"Climbing in bed right next to Jane staying at reasonable distance Maura was amazed by how trusting and willing Jane once again was.

"No, I like the way they smell and it creates a nice atmosphere."Jane replied turning her head towards her girlfriend.

"I sometimes forget what a incorrigible romantic you are."Maura smiled gently stroking the palm of Jane's right hand with her thumb.

"You have that effect on me. So what's the plan?"

"First you need to know that I'm so so deeply in love with you and that no matter what happens I will not stop loving you alright?"Sliding closer to Jane blowing a tender kiss on her cheek Maura as eager as she was to put her idea into practice knew that Jane needed her to take things very slowly and with tact and respect.

"I know. Have I told you how sexy you are with that towel around you?"Jane smiled through grinned teeth forcing herself to keep a confident face.

"Thank you. How about you close your eyes and try to relax?"Maura instructed.

"Alright."Jane nodded closing her eyes allowing her body to completely relax.

"Now I want you to slightly open your robe and to wander your finger tips on your beautiful breasts. Don't worry I can't see anything alright?"Maura instructed biting her bottom lip expecting Jane to jump out off bed.

"Okay." Jane muttered slightly opening the robe, sliding her left hand inside before reaching for her right breast.

"Good girl. Now what I want you to do is to follow my voice and let it guide your fingers on your body. Imagine that it's my hand gently caressing your nipples as I start kissing your gorgeous lips."Maura whispered using her most sensual voice to seduce and arouse Jane.

"Okay."Following Maura's instructions Jane slowly started to caress her right nipple feeling it erect almost immediately. A bit embarrassed at first Jane slowly felt more comfortable as she felt Maura drawing circles in the palm of her right hand with her thumb.

"Good. Now I want you to imagine me dragging my tongue from your lips to neck slowly ticking your jaw line. Image I then start to kiss your neck drawing small circle on your skin. How does it feel?"Trying to arouse Jane Maura found herself extremely turn on already and knew that laying there describing what she would do to Jane without touching her would be frustrating but she was happy to see that Jane was apparently enjoying herself.

"It feels good but it tickles a bit."

"Yes, I can feel you shiver under my touch. Your skin is so soft and you taste so good. Now imagine that I gently start to ghost kisses on your collar bone slowly moving towards your breasts."Her voice more suave as she noticed Jane's chest rising higher and higher at every breath she took Maura felt that Jane was really getting into her little experiment.

Listening to Maura's voice picturing her kissing her chest Jane started to feel her heart great much faster and her breathing becoming heavier. Maura's most always had a arousing effect on her, hearing her moan has always been what gave her the most satisfaction but hearing her describe what she wanted to do to her had a completely different effect on her and it felt good.

"Now picture me gently kissing your left breast, drawing small circle around the nipple, is it hard yet?"Maura whispered licking her lips knowing Jane was stimulating her nipple.

"Yes…your tongue is so warm, it feels good."Relaxing a bit more Jane felt more comfortable and willing to participate, to show Maura she wasn't alone in this experiment.

"Good now I want you to slowly drag your fingers towards your belly imagine it's the tips of my tongue traveling all way down to your belly button."

Following Maura's instructions blindly Jane dragged her fingers towards her belly opening her robe completely to achieve her goal.

Her hand under the covers still caressing Jane's right hand Maura suddenly felt the robe covering both their hands and knew that Jane had opened it. Trying to remain in control of her emotional and physical impulses Maura continued to describe to Jane what she wanted to do to her. She whispered in her hear as sensually as she possibly could how she would outline every rib of her toned belly with her lips before moving slowly towards her entrance. Reaching that point Maura felt Jane hesitant and decided to encourage her a bit by showing her how wet she was by placing her right hand between her legs.

"God, you're so wet." Jane moaned feeling the warmth between Maura's legs.

"See the effect you have on me without even touching me Jane. The only thought of you wandering your hands on your belly under those covers makes me so wet." Maura muttered gently biting Jane's ear lobe .

"I…God Maura…"Unable to articulate a proper sentence Jane could feel the warmth streaming down her folds as well and couldn't believe how Maura could manage to make her so wet just by muttering into her ear like that.

Determined to make the most of this experiment Jane started to stroke Maura's clit feeling her slightly fidgeting at first.

"I…Now I..Oh God..I want you to slightly part your legs wide enough to allow your hand between them." Maura mumbled feeling Jane's fingers tickling her most sensitive spot.

When Maura decided to offer this experiment she wanted to focus on Jane's pleasure only and act as a guide and an observer but it seems that Jane had decided otherwise and considering how wet she already was welcome her initiative as a blessing.

Pausing for a moment Jane took a deep breath and opened her legs while dragging her hands towards her folds. Placing her hand right between her legs Jane could feeling the warmth dripping off her folds.

"Now I want you to gently stroke your clitoris with one finger."Knowing this was the moment of truth Maura encouraged her by showing her own arousal to her by gently rubbing herself on Jane's hand that was now almost trapped between her legs.

"I don't know if I can do that Maur'."Removing her hand immediately Jane suddenly felt she had reached her limit.

"Shh it's alright , we don't have to continue if you don't want to Jane, but would you mind telling me what is troubling you?"

"I… don't know if I can come knowing you're watching me. I'm sorry..."Cupping her face with both hand Jane felt like a freaking lunatic. A few minutes ago she was scared of not being able to feel pleasure and now she was embarrassed to climax in front of her girlfriend.

As close as the two women were Jane never allowed herself to climax in her presence and wasn't sure she could completely let go knowing Maura was watching her.

"Then I will close my eyes. I can even leave the room once you feel you're reaching climax."Maura replied understanding perfectly Jane's discomfort.

"No. I want you here with me, otherwise this experiment would have been for nothing. Come on, where were we?"Encourage by Maura's respect and desire to make her feel comfortable Jane was even more eager to prove to her that her efforts weren't in vain.

"Alright tiger. I…I was asking you to gently start caressing your clitoris imaging it's my tongue ticking it. God you taste to good Jane…"Feeling that Jane was indeed caressing herself under the cover Maura was impressed by Jane's incredible will and the trust she was putting in her.

For the next half hour or so Maura lied there next to her beloved girlfriend guiding her, encouraging her to explore her body.

Being naked next to Jane, hearing her moan and seeing the pleasure she was giving herself Maura was extremely frustrating and dying to touch her, to finish the job herself but knew that this wasn't the purpose of this experiment.

"Oh Maura…I think I'm close."Feeling her toes curling and a wave of intense pleasure running through her entire body Jane knew she was about to climax but couldn't get there yet, not without Maura's encouragement and support.

"You're so beautiful baby, come for me."Holding Jane's hand tight Maura could feel Jane was holding back, that there was something keeping her from reaching climax.

"I ..I just can't…"Pressing against her clitoris hoping to reach final release Jane couldn't , not that she didn't want to but she couldn't let go.

For some reason no matter how wet she was and how encouraging Maura was Jane found herself incapable of finishing what she had started.

"Is there anything you need me to do?" Maura could hear frustration in Jane's voice and was hoping she would ask her to finish the job herself but realistically knew it was very unlikely.

"No…I'm sorry I just can't."Removing her hand wiping it on her robe Jane felt like a complete failure.

She had tried her best, had let Maura guide her doing everything she asked her but she was still unable to loose control and to allow her body to release all the sexual tension and frustration accumulated over the years.

"Shhh, it's alright Jane. Discovering your body and learning how to pleasure it isn't something you can learn in a night. It's going to take time but you're not alone. I'm here for you."Curled in fetal position her head resting on Jane's naked chest, her arm across Jane's belly Maura was genuinely sorry for Jane and was hoping that this little obstacle wouldn't keep Jane from trying again.

"Well at least now we know that my body isn't locked and that I'm not frigid." Smiling as she Maura's warm body against her Jane was trying to see the good side of this unfortunate situation and agreed with Maura : Rome wasn't made in a day and after years of frustration it was unlikely for her to reach climax on the first attempt. Suddenly holding Maura against her Jane didn't feel like a failure anymore but to the contrary felt extremely proud of herself and somehow finally started to believe that with Maura's help she would very soon be able to enjoy a normal and healthy sex life.

"See I told you. You might be a little rusty and might need a little practice but you're not frigid Jane."Feeling Jane's naked body against her for the first time Maura was particularly proud of the progress accomplished tonight.

Laying completely naked and vulnerable feeling Maura's fingers roaming on her belly Jane was completely comfortable. For the first time since they started dated they were both naked in bed and strangely it didn't feel weird or embarrassing. Maybe it was the obscurity or Maura's immense respect and kindness by Jane started to feel really at ease. Stroking Maura's hair with her fingers Jane started to wonder why in hell wasn't she able to climax. Obviously the problem wasn't physical because Maura had managed to make her extremely wet, it wasn't the discomfort of being naked next to Maura or the fear that she might cross a line , so what was it?

After several minutes of torturing herself Jane finally realized why she wasn't able to climax. It wasn't because she was rusty or needed more practice to re discover her body but because deep down she couldn't imagine coming by anything else than Maura's hand or mouth and hopefully now that all her inhibitions seemed to be under control she was confident it was going to happen sooner rather than later.

On the other hand Maura even if she was a bit frustrated was also extremely happy and proud of the progress accomplished. Only a couple of weeks ago Jane refused to take of her clothes during sex and wouldn't let her touch her. Now after hours of talking and small gestures here they were, naked in bed their bodies tangled together. Wandering her fingers on Jane's skin Maura realized that it didn't matter if Jane wasn't able to climax. What was important was there progress they had made tonight taking them a step closer to their ultimate goal.

**Alright guys. I know this chapter was a bit all over the place and that I described a multitude of different and contradicting feelings and I really hope you're able to follow me…:)**

**What did you think of that chapter? I can tell you I stayed awake until 4 am to write it.**

**I hope you're not disappointed that Jane didn't come, but realistically after years of frustration you couldn't help her to on the first try right?**

**Do you think that with all the progress made Jane will soon be able to let Maura make love to her?**

**I'm really proud of my writing on that story and that is not something I say often**

**What do you think?Should I continue or stop?**


	9. Seeking help

**Chapter 9 :**

**Seeking help :**

Lying in bed in silence both women felt satisfied not only physically but also emotionally. After years of feeling uncomfortable in her body, of wanting to escape her own skin Jane was finally able to feel in sync with herself both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, after months of patience and accepting and dealing with Jane's mood swings, her refusal to allow her to touch her or undress during sex Maura was finally starting to see and feel the results of her efforts. Unfortunately as grateful as she was that Jane was finally comfortable enough to allow herself to lay naked in bed with her Maura was still wondering why Jane had been feeling trapped in her body for so many years. As much as she was enjoying Jane's progress the truth was that they never really talked about things since the first time Jane confided in her.

Maura knew that Jane had made tremendous efforts because she was in love in her and that it was most likely her strong will power and personality that allowed her to make that much progress in such a short period of time. Unfortunately Maura knew that in order for Jane to really heal and put her issues behind her she needed to understand why she had been feeling this way, that her strong dertermination only wouldn't be enough to keep the insecurities away for ever.

"What are you think about?"Lying in bed completely naked her right arms around Jane's shoulder Jane was for the first time completely comfortable. Naked in bed holding the woman she loved she felt safe knowing that she could trust Maura to be respectful and unlike most men she ever dated to keep her hands in appropriate places. She knew that despite the tremendous progress they had made Maura respected her body and her feelings and wouldn't cross the line and be inappropriate.

"Nothing in particular. How about we each those sushis you brought?"Suddenly sitting up in bed, trying to cover herself up Maura wasn't willing to ruin their perfect moment for the sake of her curiosity. For now all that mattered was that they were making progress, understanding the reasons of Jane's insecurities could wait.

"You're mad at me…"Jane replied slight sorrow in her voice as she slid back in the robe lying underneath her naked body.

"No, why would I be mad?"Maura replied slightly turning her head.

"Because I couldn't finish, because despite your patience and support I'm not making enough progress." Looking away as closed the robe, tightening the belt as much as she could Jane couldn't even be mad at her, despite Maura's patience and love she was still unable to have a healthy sexual relationship with her.

"Jane, sweetheart look at me. What you managed to accomplished in only a couple of weeks after years of denying your issues is truly amazing. "Maura replied cupping Jane's face with her left hand.

"But I failed, I'm not strong enough yet…"

"Yes you are. Overcoming your insecurities and fears and allow yourself to trust me to guide you just by the only strength of your will is remarkable. You have always been and always will be the strongest person I have ever met Jane and I love you."

"It's all thanks to you. You gave me the strength to get better by supporting me and the courage to face my issues and to trust you by loving me unconditionally. You're my everything Maura."

"Likewise Detective, likewise. Come on let's go eat, I'm starving." As much as Maura enjoyed Jane's strong personality what she found herself most attracted too was her sensitivity and romanticism and what made her extremely sexy wasn't when she kicked criminal's asses or defended her honor when a man was trying to hit on her but when she opened up about her feelings.

"Alright, but please tell me what's bothering you. I have tried my best not to hide any emotions or feelings from you and I would appreciate that you pay me the same curtesy."

"Alright. I'm glad and proud of the progress you have made but I have the feeling that you were only able to achieve them by the strength of your will power and determination. I feel that going through a deep self introspection that would allow you to understand the reasons of your discomfort and insecurities would be highly beneficiary."

"Oh come on Maur', can't you just be happy that I overcame my insecurities instead of throwing that psychological bullshit at me?"Jane replied rising her voice as she sat on the edge of the bed, cracking her fingers on the wooden floor.

"I am happy Jane, but as you always say, catching a criminal is great but to discover his motives and understand them is important. It's important because it can help us prevent future crimes."

"I know and I also believe that by not understanding history we're condemned to watch it repeat itself. The thing is…I have no idea why I felt the way I felt for so long. The only thing I know is that I don't want to feel like this anymore and that it's now possible for me to be happy and to have a healthy relationship with you."

"Of course it is, but if want to put this part of your life behind you for ever you have to go to the source and understand those feelings. Once that journey accomplished you will hopefully be able to allow yourself to release all that sexual tension you have been accumulating for so long."

"I know….You know, after thinking about it I think that one of the reasons why I wasn't able to finish was because I can not imagine coming by any other hand than yours."Jane pouted looking at her with so much love that Maura's heart almost melt.

"You're sweet and I would be more than happy to provide you with the kind of sexual relief that you need but in the mean time I truly believe that you would benefit from seeking professional help." Saying those words Maura was expecting a vivid even violent physical reaction. She knew how much Jane hated psychiatrists especially after being forced to see one after being held by Hoyt the first time.

"I'm not a nut case Maur', I do not need to see a shrink!"Jane hissed bouncing out off bed pushing Maura backwards in the process.

"Jane…I never said you were a nut case but as much as I love you and as much as you trust me there are things I can not provide you with, I wish I could but I can not. " As devoted as Maura was she knew deep down that she wouldn't be able to help Jane by herself, that even if loving her so much was a good thing it was also putting a strain on Jane's healing process.

She was convinced that Jane needed the help of a professional who would be honest with her and who wouldn't hoover or cuddle her and who wouldn't hesitate to push her a little, thing she wasn't capable of doing.

"Why?You know me better than any one else and I trust you not to mention you studied psychology…."Desperately trying to object to her idea Jane knew deep down that Maura was right.

"Yes, you trust me and I know very well but I think you could benefit from talking with someone who doesn't know you and who's not biased by her feelings , someone who won't hesitate to push you a little when needed and who could give you honest insight. "

"I just want to do this by myself you know… I wanted to show you that I was strong enough…"Falling back as she felt her knees abandoning her Jane was helpless. For years she had fought her demons on her own and had struggled to keep them inside and to appear strong and independent and asking Maura for help has been hard enough but asking a complete stranger would be humiliating and considering it was making her feel like a complete failure.

"Asking for help doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong Jane. Don't worry about a thing, I will be there every step of the way. I'm not leaving you Jane."Maura whispered resting her head on Jane's shoulders, her arms snaked around her waist.

Sitting there Jane finally admitted that her determination and will power as well as Maura's unconditional love and support had their limits and that if she truly wanted to put her dark past behind her she would have to consult a professional. As humiliating as it was for her to admit she couldn't do this on her own Jane knew that Maura was right, that if she continued to refuse to face and understand her issues, soon her will power wouldn't be able to keep them buried. Luckily for her Jane knew that no matter how hard seeking professional would be she would always be able to count on Maura's support, that she would stay by her side.

On the other hand Maura was proud that Jane finally admitted that ignoring the cause of her issues wasn't the heathy way to get rid of them. Unfortunately Maura, just like Jane felt like a failure for not being able to help her girlfriend on her own. Luckily for Maura, as a Medical Doctor she knew that being close to Jane made her bias and that their almost symbiotic relationship was clouding her judgement and that only a trained psychologist would be able to help her.

**So guys, I wrote this short chapter after someone send me a PM saying that even if Jane was making progress she still hasn't acknowledged the reasons of her discomfort and insecurities. I think that reader was right, that Jane's strong will power won't be enough to keep her issues buried, that she needs to understand why she felt that way of she want a healthy relationship with Maura.**

**I know most of you might think this chapter was useless and boring but to the contrary I think it was necessary and I would love to have your opinion on the all therapy thing.**

**Thanks again for your support guys, you know how personal this story is to me and your support means a lot , writing this story helps me understand things about myself I had buried deep down for so long and your supports helps me a lot :)**


	10. The right way

Previously :

Sitting there Jane finally admitted that her determination and will power as well as Maura's unconditional love and support had their limits and that if she truly wanted to put her dark past behind her she would have to consult a professional. As humiliating as it was for her to admit she couldn't do this on her own Jane knew that Maura was right, that if she continued to refuse to face and understand her issues, soon her will power wouldn't be able to keep them buried. Luckily for her Jane knew that no matter how hard seeking professional would be she would always be able to count on Maura's support, that she would stay by her side.

On the other hand Maura was proud that Jane finally admitted that ignoring the cause of her issues wasn't the heathy way to get rid of them. Unfortunately Maura, just like Jane felt like a failure for not being able to help her girlfriend on her own. Luckily for Maura, as a Medical Doctor she knew that being close to Jane made her bias and that their almost symbiotic relationship was clouding her judgement and that only a trained psychologist would be able to help her.

**Chapter 10:**

**The right way.**

After lying down for a little while in silence thinking about the progress they had made in the past couple of hours the two women were finally at peace. After trying to ignore her feelings for so many years, pushing everyone away Jane was finally able to let her guard down and allow herself to confide in someone without feeing weak. On the other hand Maura after spending months wondering if they were really meant to be together and if Jane would ever open up to her was finally starting to see the end of the tunnel. She obviously knew that they still had a long way to go but she could feel Jane's desire to let her in and accept her help and knew that there was still hope for their relationship, that she just needed to hang on a little longer and continue to support her unconditionally.

Sitting on the edge of Maura's bed entirely naked Jane felt surprisingly comfortable and confident in her body for the first time in a long time. After months of avoiding stripping down in front of her beautiful girlfriend Jane was finally able to expose herself both physically and emotionally and strangely she didn't feel vulnerable, she felt stronger than ever. Grabbing her PJ's under her pillow Jane slightly turning her head immediately felt Maura's eyes on her. She wasn't lurking on her in a perverse or dirty way, she was simply marveling at her with those loving eyes that made Jane feel so complete and loved.

"Come back to bed." Snaking her arms around Jane as she slowly started to kiss her naked back Maura never so happy in her life. Feeling Jane naked body against her, feeling her shiver under her touch and being able to finally taste the sweetness of her skin was everything she ever wanted and what made it even more enjoyable was that Jane seemed completely comfortable.

"We need to eat something Maur'. I know you don't listen to your intestines but your belly crying for food. Don't worry it's only gonna take a minute." Pulling up her black boxers before sliding into her favorite matching tank top Jane knew that if she didn't get dressed now she would never be able to leave that bed to get their dinner and she was starving.

"Promise me you won't leave." Saying those words Maura immediately realized how foolish she was. She knew that Jane had no intention of leaving, that if anything she had proved that she wanted to be with her for the long run.

"Oh baby. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I promise, but right now we have sushi's waiting for us and considering how expensive they are I don't want them to go to waste. Just stay in bed and relax. I will be right back." Cupping Maura's face with her right hand kissing her forehead tenderly Jane couldn't blame Maura for being scared. After months of pushing her away and hiding things from her Maura was afraid that after finally allowing herself to be vulnerable in her arms she might freak out and leave. Luckily for Maura despite being scared Jane didn't want to run anymore. She wanted to stay right here with her and continue to work on her issues no matter how physically or emotionally enduring she knew it was going to be.

Ten minutes later Jane finally joined Maura back in her bedroom carrying a large tray full of those delicious sushis Maura loved so much.

Walking towards the bed Jane immediately noticed that Maura was sitting up against the bed board wearing nothing but her blue shirt.

"Damn you look so hot in my shirt." Sighing at the view of Maura bare legs strategically crossed and slightly opened Jane started to feel aroused again.

"It smells like you." Maura replied inviting Jane to join her.

"That's gross on so many levels but anyway here's our dinner. Enjoy." Licking her lips in anticipation Jane's stomach was literally crying. The last meal she had was lunch with Frost and she could not wait to finally taste those delicious sushis that had cost her an arm.

For the next thirty minutes the two women enjoyed their dinner in silence both trying to recover from what had happened tonight and to make sense of it.

Only two weeks ago Jane finally opened up about her dark secret and at first not only she had found herself scared to death that this revelation might be too much to handle for Maura and that she was consequently going to break up with her but also that she could not be helped, that she had been in that abyss for so long that she would never see the light again.

Luckily for Jane she had underestimated Maura's strength, resilience and unconditional love. Seeing Maura staying by her side, listening to her without judging her, taking the time to try to understand gave her the strength and confidence to move forward thinking that maybe things weren't that desperate, that she might be salvageable and worthy of Maura's love.

"So I have been thinking and I think you were right." Lying on her back her right arm around Maura's shoulder Jane was finally ready to consider the next step in her journey, a step in which Maura would have a major role, if she chose to join her.

"Tell me something I don't already know." Maura giggled resting her head on Jane's chest her right hand slid under her tank top gently wandering them on her firm stomach. After spending a couple of hours naked in bed their body tangled together before having dinner Maura was now unable to get he hands off Jane's soft skin.

"I'm serious Maur'. I think that the progress that I have made so far, the massage, the bath or even pleasuring myself in front of you weren't real progress. I think they were the signs of my strong determination but not a proof that I'm actually getting better. I'm also starting to think that to really get better I need to understand why I feel the way I do and to achieve that I need to seek help, the professional kind." Admitting that she didn't have all the answers and that her determination was not enough was the hardest thing Jane had ever done in her entire life. Over the course of her career she had found herself forced to go to therapy after Hoyt took her the first or after shooting herself in order to be cleared for duty. Luckily for her the departement's shrink was not hard to satisfy and convince but she knew this time would be different. She knew that if she truly wanted to get better she would have to throw herself into therapy without any restrain, that she would have to open up to her therapist and to do what ever exercices he or she would require without complain but luckily for her this time she had the best reason in the world to really do the work and get better.

"I agree with you Jane. As I said earlier I have never met a woman with such courage and determination in my entire life. I truly believe that you can achieve anything as long as you put yourself to the task but you're right. For example you decided to allow me to make love to you tonight I have no doubt that it would probably be very enjoyable for the both of us but it wouldn't be for the right reasons. Don't get me wrong I want to make love to you and to finally have the opportunity pleasure you as much as you always pleasured me but I want it to be real. I want you to allow me to reciprocate because you feel ready and comfortable not because you want to prove to yourself or to me that you're strong." Hearing Jane finally admitting that she needed help Maura never felt so proud. She knew how much she hated confiding in strangers especially to professionals and she was determined to be there every step of the way.

"I know. It needs to be real and sincere not because I have something to prove. I need to put my pride and stubbornness aside and do the work that's I decided that tomorrow I'm gonna look for a good therapist and start working on my issues as soon as possible. Will you be there for me?" Finally allowing the walls surrounding her to fall Jane felt extremely vulnerable. The idea of someone dissecting her entire life, her deepest fears scared her to death. She was scared of what she was going to discover, of not not being to handle it and knew that the only thing for her to go through with this therapy was to have Maura holding her hand and picking her up every time she would fall.

"Oh Jane…Of course I will. I will be there after every session to talk if you need me to or to hold you if all you want is lie in bed with me and If your therapist wants to include me I would be happy to join you. I'm so proud of you." Rising her head feeling her eyes filling up with starrs Maura was once again amazed by Jane's determination.

"Thank you but wait until you hear the rest." Jane replied biting her botom lip hoping Maura would agree to what she was about to ask her next.

"Alright, I'm listening." Narrowing her eyebrows looking at Jane straight in the eyes Maura suddenly felt her heart hammering her chest. She had a feeling that Jane was about to ask or say something though and knew she could on react harshly no matter how hard the words coming out of her mouth would be to hear.

"I think we should stop having sex until I'm ready to allow you to reciprocate. I know it's probably going to take months and that you have needs and I would understand if you choose to refuse but please just hear me out. I love you Maura. I'm so in love with you and I'm not saying we need to start over but I want us to do things the right way from now on. I want the next time we find ourselves naked in the same bed to be perfect and to have meaning. I want you to make love to me and to pleasure me. I don't want our sexual encounters to be one sided anymore. It's not fair to either of us." Her throat extremely dry Jane despite trusting Maura was afraid of her reaction. Unlike her Maura was a very sexual individual who had needs, needs that she tried her best to satisfy and she knew that asking her to forget about those needs for an unknown period of time was probably not fair but she knew it was the only way.

"Alright darling look at me. You're right it's probably going to be hard to sleep in your arms and cuddle knowing we can't take things further but I want to do this right too. We both deserve it. I waited my whole life to meet you Jane so trust me when I say that I can wait another few months." Saying those words Maura meant every single one of them. She had waited her entire life to mean her significant other, to meet that one in six billion person that was able to love her unconditionally, to make her feel safe and cared for without ever judging her and she wasn't about to destroy all this because she had needs.

"Okay. Well thank you Maura. God I love you." Closing her eyes allowing a long sigh to escape Jane was relieved. Holding Maura in her arms she knew that she had everything she could have dreamed about, that she had a great job, a fantastic partner and a family that had accepted her relationship with Maura and treated her like their own. Thinking about it Jane knew that she could not mess this up, that she couldn't be selfish and withdrawn anymore, not only she had too much to loose but it wasn't fair for her loved one especially to Maura. She knew that she needed to get better for Maura and for herself because after everything they went through in their lives they deserved their happy ending. So despite being scared Jane was more motivated than ever because she knew that with Maura by her side she would not fail not only because she knew she would be supported but because she could not bring herself to let her girlfriend down. Maura deserved the best of her and she was going to dig deep inside of her and give it to her.

**Hey guys! I know I haven't updated this story in two months and after receiving many PM asking me if I was ever gonna finish it I decided to give it another try.**

**When I started writing this chapter I wanted it to be the last one, to end it with Jane going to her first therapy session leaving you guys with the hope that she was gonna get better rather than giving you all the answers.**

**Then I decided to re read the story and I realized that it was actually a good story and because it was so important and personal to me that it deserved a proper ending.**

**If you want this to be the last chapter don't hesitate to tell me though :( but if you do want me to continue I will make sure to update more regularly and to write Jane's therapy as best as I can.**

**Thanks for the support! I will do my best to be worthy of your support.**


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